Nukelear Fishing

okileydokiley

2011-05-26T17:50:00.000+01:00

The new blog is now live at http://nukelearfishing.wordpress.com/ so please change your links and head over there for future stuff...

Bye!!

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye... hello, good day, bonjour, hi

2011-05-26T16:25:00.000+01:00

Following several recent failures on the part of Blogspot I have decided to emigrate...

to nukelearfishing.wordpress.com

I am in the process of rebuilding the blog but once it is ready I will let you know and would love you to be an official follower!

bless you

time flies when it's going wrong

2011-05-26T08:38:00.001+01:00

Howdy

Blogspot is not working properly again. I have managed to negotiate my way around it, but that may not last. Sorry! I suspect that they do their maintenance in the middle of the night, but that’s the middle of the night on the other side of the Atlantic and the daytime here, when I need it...

Timing is a tricky thing. We’ve recently had confident predictions of the end of the world which proved to be false. Today the Reverend at the heart of it all has admitted he got the date wrong (big of him) and has offered us a new date in October this year. Considering that Jesus was clear that not even he knew the date when God will put a full stop on time and bring in the renewed heavens and the renewed earth you have to admire this chap’s nerve. Is he suggesting that he has a better line of communication to the Father than Jesus did?

Get serious buddy!

People are fascinated by this, though. A small group of misguided Christians has got people all over the world talking about them. As far as publicity goes, that is pretty impressive. The problem is that you can look rather silly if you go around making claims that are proved to be wrong. The bigger problem that I see is that they are making Jesus and his church look silly.

On Sunday evening we looked at David v Goliath. One of the things that struck me was how the Israelite failure to respond to the taunts and challenge from Goliath and his backing group of Philistines was actually making God look bad. It made him appear weak, even cowardly, because his reputation was closely linked with the reputation of his people. It still is. Let me quote from the sermon, for the benefit of those who weren’t there, can’t listen online, were there but were asleep, or just can’t remember it!

“We need to recognise that God’s reputation is closely linked with the reputation of his church. It does God no credit in people’s eyes when there are public splits and arguments between Christians. It does God no credit in people’s eyes when there are sex scandals involving the clergy in his churches. It does God no credit if churches are boring and cold. It also does God no credit if we are gossips. It does him no credit if we are intolerant or antagonistic towards others. It does him no credit if we cheat on our expenses. It does him no credit if we are willing to compromise his standards.”

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Be blessed. Be a blessing.

if you need to eat humble pie, you may need to take your foot out of your mouth first...

2011-05-23T09:54:00.000+01:00

mmmphlugh hhmmugh grimngtpgh

That is the sound of me eating some humble pie while talking with my mouth full (of foot). Yesterday I acted less than graciously towards somebody. It took my wife Sally to point this out to me. I did not notice.

And therein lies the problem. I had become so caught up in what I was doing that I had neglected courtesy and had not thought of the impact of what I had done on someone else, which may have made them look bad in front of others. Not exactly the Christlike attitude I have been seeking, nor demonstrating the Fruit of the Spirit about which I was preaching before Easter.

Sorry.

You don't need to know the details (super-injunction is ready to launch!). The good news is that it bothered me. I think that if I get to the stage where it does not bother me I need to take a longer harder look at myself and the calling God has placed on my life.

This morning I spoke with the person concerned and they demonstrated the grace I should have shown. Bless you if you are reading this.

Sally offered me some wise advice when telling me about my ungraciousness. I share it with you in case it is helpful.

"Sometimes you need to keep quiet and think before you open your mouth."

Bless you!

And now a joke about lawyers (who are the ones really profiting from the super-injunctions and what I used to be)

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's £100,000.

The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's £150,000.

The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's £500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."

password?

2011-05-20T09:22:00.000+01:00

How do you cope when you forget a password for a website, a program or (worst of all) your computer? There are usually ways of finding it out, but sometimes you have to be a bit of a detective. Yesterday I was planning to send a blog entry for you by posting via email. But I could not remember the access code. I knew I had done it in the past, but this time it would not come back to me, and was not stored in my Blackberry.

In the end I had to admit defeat and wait until I got home to post my thoughts on the Learning at Work day yesterday.

I have a dread that someone people experience church like that. They don't understand all that is going on, some of the language we use or even can't work out where to sit and it's as if they have not been given the password. If they persist and do some detective work they can eventually work it out. But coming to church should not be difficult.

I can remember being challenged by someone speaking on this subject to go to a betting shop and place a bet. He said that if you have never been to a betting shop before it will be as awkward and unusual as it is for people who step into a church for the first time. I have to admit I never have gone into a betting shop, but I can imagine how it would feel.

In 1990 Sally and I went to a new church. (It was a Baptist church, so any non-Baptists can breathe a self-righteous sigh of relief - it couldn't have been your church. Could it?) We needed to leave fairly quickly afterwards so sat in the back pew. As the church filled up two elderly ladies came and sat on either side of us. It became obvious that we were in their seats because they started talking. To each other. Across us. Not even acknowledging us.

During the sermon one of them got out some fruit gums. They passed them across us to their friend. Not offering us one!

We left feeling completely unwelcomed and excluded and never went back*.

In the evening we went to a different Baptist church and as the service was about the start the minister noticed us, came over and spoke to us, made sure we were welcomed and accepted. We stayed at that church for 4 years until we moved.

All of this fuels my dread that our church may cause people to feel unwelcome or uncomfortable. But it's not just about being made welcome and shown your seat. It's also about helping people to feel involved and integrate. It's also about looking after those who have been with us for a long time and perhaps feel taken for granted or even that church has changed around them.

There are no short cuts. Just good relationships.

  New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies

      1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.

      2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.

      3. I resolve to work with neglected children - my own.

      4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

      5. I resolve to back up my 10GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe...

      6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.

      7. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."

      8. I will read the manual.

      9. I will think of a password other than "password."

      10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.

*About 15 years later I went back to that church as an invited preacher and was pleased that the welcome was warmer and people were obviously included. (I didn't tell them of my previous experience).

show and tell?

2011-05-19T15:25:00.000+01:00

I am a (very) part-time chaplain at Essex University. Today I took part in a 'Learning at Work' day at the Uni. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it is a grown-up version of 'show and tell'. Now that is underplaying it badly, but the idea is that if you have a passion / skill / interest you can offer to share that with other University employees throughout the day.

I offered to give some advice and training on learning and performing magic tricks. Amazingly a few people decided that they wanted to attend the session so this morning I spent an hour and a half with half-a-dozen people from different departments of the University exploring some of the principles of magic tricks, teaching some simple moves and offering some advice, as well as showing off some of my tricks.

I felt it went okay - nobody fell asleep and all said nice things at the end. On reflection I did not invite them to say who they are (oops) and should have given much more opportunity for them to ask questions / make observations. Even though they learnt some tricks it was not as interactive as it should have been.

But on my way to the University I had an epiphany. (It didn't hurt!) I realised that this is a good analogy of how churches work. We all bring our skills, experiences, personality and talents and share them with one another. We can all learn from one another. That is part of what Baptist Christians mean by 'the priesthood of all believers'. We believe that God can and does speak to us as a gathered community through anyone and everyone who is there. That's Church Meetings / Congregational governance at its best.

And... great summary of how we share our faith could be 'show and tell' - show the difference Jesus makes in your life and tell people about it too. Perhaps we need new words for the classic 'Go, tell it on the mountains...'

"Show and tell it in the workplace, in our homes and everywhere..."

Join in at the back!

A teacher invited her class to bring in something that related to their faith for 'show and tell'

A Jewish girl brought in a candlestick and spoke about Hannukah (Festival of Light)

A Hindu lad brought in a statue of one of their gods and spoke about their prayer rituals.

A Baptist lad brought in a pale green plate and spoke about 'Bring and Share lunches'!

Gates are boring (no, not a reference to Bill)

2011-05-18T10:54:00.000+01:00

I am working on Sunday morning's sermon. It's on Jesus saying that he is the gate to the sheep pen (John 10). Now don't get me wrong, I love the Bible and the riches within it to guide us, point us to Jesus and help us to get the best out of life. But Jesus, were you serious?

"I am the gate."

Okay, it's a Viking sheep pen, but you get the idea

It's not very dynamic. In fact for most of its life a gate is simply a fence that is an extension of the walls or hedges either side of it. It's only when someone needs to go through it that it has a few minutes of dynamism before going back to being a fence. Was Jesus having an off day here? Or was he warming up? Because shortly afterwards he came out with "I am the good shepherd" which is much better. A lot more to preach on there. It's a lot more dynamic. It's a lot more exciting. It's a person, not an inanimate object!

Of course, as usual, when I have dived into the passage and have been helped by commentators I realise that there is an incredible amount to the gate image. It's about giving access, protection, nurture, safety, it facilitates the movement of sheep to graze, grow and be nourished. If you come to our place on Sunday morning, or listen on our website the week afterwards, you can expect some of those to be in the mix. And we are more like gates than the automatic doors that open as you enter the supermarket. We are more often mundane, normal, ordinary.

I have often wondered about my own occasional need to be spectacular, something which I think many of us have. Ordinary is seen as inadequate, unsatisfying. I remember when I was a law undergraduate I had a dream of me preaching on a big stage to a large group of people. It excited me. It inspired me. A wise friend suggested I consider why, and whether it was more about my ego than about what God was calling me to do or be.

If the dream had been about me preaching to a handful of people in a church, which was my experience when I preached my first sermon a few months later, I wonder if I would have been so inspired or excited afterwards. (I should have been. I know now that the thrill is not in the number of people listening, but in the privilege of God speaking through you to someone else).

But back to you. Do you have the need to be spectacular? Does ordinary seem inadequate? Do you go 'woohoo' or 'oh no' when the church budget is mentioned in church meetings? Do you go 'hallelujah' when you do someone's shopping for them, or is it a chore you could do without?

If nothing else (and there is a lot else) Jesus saying 'I am the gate' suggests to me that he inhabits and uses the ordinary, the mundane, the unspectacular, the boring as much as the all-singing, all-dancing, razzamatazz-delivering moments of life. Perhaps more of the former than the latter. Because there is more of that in our lives.

Be blessed. Be a blessing.

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

look both ways...

2011-05-17T09:50:00.000+01:00

This morning I gave in.

It was inevitable.

I am definitely getting older.

There is proof.

I bought myself some reading glasses!

They are 'off the peg' glasses at the lowest possible strength, which I will use when I am wearing my contact lenses. I don't need them when I am not using my contact lenses or 'normal' glasses. I only realised I needed them when I bought a new Bible recently and found that the print was too small. So now I am in the curious position of correcting my eyes with contact lenses to correct my distance vision and then having to overcorrect my eyes with glasses to correct my close up vision.

So now I am 'double-looking'. Hmmm. Something seems a bit daft about that. But daft is normal for me! It reminds me of an analogy created by John Stott, one of the most prolific and inspiring writers of our time about the Bible and the Christian Faith writes about 'double listening':

“The phrase “double listening” has always been significant for me. And it means that we’re called to listen both to the Word of God, and to today’s world, in order to relate the one to the other."

My double-looking reminds me that as well as double-listening to the Word and today's culture I also need to pay attention to what is close to me and what is further away, looking through the lenses of the Bible. How does it relate to my own life and circumstances? How does it relate to those who are trying to follow Jesus; exploring following Jesus; interested in Jesus; dis-interested in Jesus? That is not just the task of preachers on Sundays, we all need to seek to do it all day, every day.

There's a guy with a Doberman Pincer and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincer says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pincer says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincer puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pincer says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincer?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "hey why not?," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua!?"

DISCLAIMER: This Blog does not endorse the impersonation of disabled people for the purposes of 'getting away with it', save in the telling of jokes. Don't park in a disabled space and fake a limp. It's not big and it's not clever!

time's up!

2011-05-16T10:14:00.000+01:00

Hello

The blog is back.

Of course you knew that because you had already seen a new blog entry was available and had clicked on it to get this far.

I had an email last week that surprised me. During my time working for the Baptist Union of Great Britain I clocked up a few BA Miles. Every so often I get an email from them telling me about the wonderful offers that they have which I can take advantage of. Every once in a long while I go on their website to see how far my BA Miles will take me. It seems to me that the ratio of BA Miles to actual miles travelled is poor - something like 10:1! Perhaps they should stop calling them 'Miles'.

Anyway, the email that I got surprised me because it informed me that the accumulated BA Miles have an expiry date! I was completely unaware of this and wonder what it is that makes them expire. Do they go off? Do they diminish in effectiveness? Or do BA not want to bother with me if I have not used them for a couple of years?

I fear that some people experience church like that. They discover suddenly that church has an expiry date of which they were unaware. They have not been around for a while and instead of a gentle 'we've missed you, how are you?' approach I have heard of some churches that send a 'warning' letter that their membership will lapse if they do not come back. Seriously!

Approaching people who have drifted away is not easy. They may be embarrassed or even guilty because they have not been to church for a while. The church may be feeling embarrassed or even guilty because they have not been in touch sooner. So we end up with a Mexican stand-off where neither does anything because of embarrassment or guilt and it just gets worse.

To anyone who has not been to 'their' church for a while and feels awkward about going back I would say, "Go! Do it! Take your courage in both hands and turn up. There may be a little awkwardness for a moment but I reckon you will be welcomed with open arms."

To churches that have people who have not been around for a while (including ours) I would say, "Go! Do it! Pick up the phone, drop around, send a card, make contact. There may be a little awkwardness for a moment but I reckon you will usually be welcomed with open arms."

Be blessed. Be a blessing.

A well-worn five pound note and a similarly distressed twenty pound note arrived at the Bank of England to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty pound note reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Lands End and John O Groats, the finest restaurants in London, performances in the West End, and even ended up on a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the five pound note. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The five pound note replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Anglican Church ...."

The twenty pound note interrupts, "What's a church?"*

*Notes of all denominations are welcome in church!

Apology continued

2011-05-14T11:07:00.000+01:00

Yesterday Blogger were doing some 'essential maintenance' whatever that is, which meant that I was unable to post anything to this Blog. I hope those of you who made the journey through cyberspace yesterday were not too disappointed (or too delighted) to find that there was nothing new here. Perhaps you took the opportunity to look back over previous entries you missed... or perhaps you went and did something more sensible instead.

Anyhoo.

Here's a lickle joke for you in honour of the fact that I had a golf lesson yesterday:

A golf club (1 wood) walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer.

"Sorry, I can't serve you," says the barman.

"Why not?" asks the golf club indignantly.

"Because you'll be driving later."

Right, for those of you who are groaning and complaining, you only have yourselves to blame. The opening sentence should have warned you - a walking, talking, beer-drinking golf club????

A short apology

2011-05-14T11:02:00.002+01:00

Sorry.

getting in a stew about the cross (or getting cross about a stew)

2011-05-12T07:44:00.000+01:00

Stew the Rabbit and I are about to visit another school this morning. It will be his first visit there and I hope he is well-behaved. He is going to try a magic trick which may or may not come off...

The theme will be exploring crosses. an 'x' can be a sign that you got something wrong as well as a sign that someone loves you. Which seems like a helpful way to explain the Easter cross to Key Stage 1 and 2 children.

Last night at Alpha we looked at 'Why did Jesus die', and I was pleased that the Alpha material offers four different models of the atonement. I think we seriously underplay the significance of the cross of Jesus if we only concentrate on penal substitution - even in a less aggressive form. It means so much more than that, and if we only focus on that we may also exclude people for whom that model of the atonement does not resonate. Why do we think God inspired people to come up with other models?

I think I may be turning into Steve Chalke! (Except he has hair, runs marathons and Oasis, is much cooler than me and... [insert lots of other differences here]). If in doubt, read 'The Lost Message of Jesus'.

I wonder if this is part of what Paul meant when he wrote that he became all things to all people in order to win some for the kingdom of God. To the Jews he used a temple metaphor, to the Greeks he used philosophy... So how are we packaging the gospel today? Which model of the atonement will bless the people you meet today?

I think in some ways it requires us to see things differently - to look at the same gospel through lenses tinted by our culture.

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbour jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made a non-believer pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

hair today, goon tomorrow

2011-05-11T09:15:00.000+01:00

cover your hairloss by sitting next to your daughter

I need to face the bald facts. My hair is disappearing. Male Pattern Baldness is here to stay. I was reflecting on this fact today as I cut my hair and have discerned a few warning signals that some of you may like to consider for yourself or the men in your lives...

Signs you are going bald:
1. It takes longer to wash your face than cut your hair.
2. Your barber gives you a discount.
3. You get more annoyed at bad hairstyles from people who have hair.
4. You find yourself (for just a millisecond) wondering if you could emulate Donald Trump and get away with it.
5. Your children look at your wedding photos and laugh at how much hair you had.
6. You realise that God is now counting backwards. (Matthew 10:30)

If you experience one of these signs you may be going bald. If you have experienced them all then you are going bald. I have experienced them all. I should say that number 4 was only for a fraction of a part of a millisecond. I mean... seriously? Could you imagine if he did get elected as President of the USA? I suppose one benefit would be that in all of the photocalls everyone would be smiling broadly.

I can remember the moment when I first contemplated my hair loss. I was at Spurgeon's College and bumped into the lovely man who used to be one of my ministers in Torquay (hi Pete!). He was never afraid to say what he thought and simply said, "Ooh, you're losing your hair a bit aren't you?"

I denied it at the time but then rushed to the bathroom and looked in the mirror to see, to my horror, that he was right. The hairline was receding at the sides above my temples. Accepting the truth was not easy, but I am now comfortable with the reality of my hairloss and am not going to waste time or money on products that claim to make hair regrow or transplants. However there was an interesting article on the news yesterday about a new product...

The point I want to make is that Pete was not afraid to speak the truth. I might not have wanted to hear it or admit it, but it was the truth nonetheless. Jesus invites us all to speak the truth, but laced with compassion and love. It's not easy. How can we tell someone that their critical attitude is upsetting others without upsetting them? How can we explain to someone that they have a personal hygiene problem? How can we ask someone to stop gossiping? How can we tell someone that they need to apologise to someone else for an unfounded accusation?

I think that the answer to those is that they are not easy, but the depth and quality of our relationships with those people will make it easier. If we claim to speak out of love but don't actually demonstrate that love then we are like a resounding gong... it makes a big noise and will annoy people but it won't help much.

Be blessed. Be a blessing

he who laughs last... didn't get the joke

2011-05-10T08:16:00.001+01:00

Is it wrong to feel happy when someone struggles to pronounce 'Schadenfreude'*?

I have recently been the cause of a lot of joy for other people. Rotten rail journeys that went wrong have caused a certain amount of glee for people who have experienced them vicariously through my Facebook statuses. I think that counts as schadenfreude.

I think I have also experienced it through the well-meaning comments of friends. I can now confess that for most of last week I was suffering from kidney stones that had shifted into a painful place. People, I think trying to sympathise, frequently told me that this is as / more painful that childbirth (men usually saying 'more') or that it is the worst pain known to humans. To be honest, that did not make me feel much better! I was fairly confident that I knew how painful it was. But I am incredibly grateful for the expressions of support, concern and prayers. It means a lot to know that you are not alone.

I am pleased to say that the pain has now subsided to 'uncomfortable' and pray that it will disappear altogether soon. Thank you for your prayers, concern, sympathy and other nice thoughts.

I have wondered whether there are times when my well-meaning comments of encouragement come across as patronising or ill-considered. I try not to say, "I know how you feel" unless I really do know how someone feels. I try to be empathetic when listening to someone. I try too not to make fun of someone's woes unless they first joke about them. But I don't always get it right. I worry that I may not say the right thing, so the temptation is to say nothing. I worry about not doing the right thing, so I do nothing. My experience tells me that it is difficult to say the wrong thing so badly that I will cause irreparable damage if I am trying to be caring and pastorally sensitive. Saying something is often better than saying nothing. Doing something is usually better than doing nothing. I have found that people would prefer that we tried, no matter how clumsily, than feel abandoned.

However, I am relieved to know that God really does know how I feel. I am delighted that Jesus' incarnation means he has experienced life in all its fullness and all it's woes. I am blessed with knowing that God's Spirit within me is interpreting all of my deepest groans and needs into prayers in the throne room of the Universe.

*Shadenfreude is the German word for enjoying the pain / discomfort of others.

Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

biting off more than you can over-reach

2011-05-09T10:28:00.000+01:00

Have you ever had the feeling that you have bitten off more than you can chew? The sense that you have over-reached yourself? That you are batting further up the order than you should be? The feeling that you are a fraud and are about to get found out?

I had that sensation last week. We have started two new series at CBC. In the mornings we are considering 'I ams' of Jesus. No, not dried cat food, but the different ways Jesus revealed his identity and his mission by saying "I am...". Yesterday we began with "I am the bread of life."

In our evening services we have started a series looking at David before he was king. This is where I felt I had bitten off more than I could chew. Perhaps it was the medication I was on but as I sat in my study looking at my open Bible and an empty piece of paper I wondered whether it was too late to do something easier - like a nice series on the Beatitudes or the Sermon on the Mount.

I can't remember the thought process that led me to consider that this was a smart thing to do. As I looked at the passage (1 Samuel 16:1-13) I realised that this was beyond my understanding and felt poorly equipped to deal with it. I did not even have many commentaries on the subject. All I could see were words that told an interesting story but I could not see how they applied to me or the good people who would gather together on Sunday evening to listen.

Then I realised that the thought process did not matter. The inadequacy was normal. The blank paper was how I always start my sermon preparation. The inspiration does not come from me, it comes from the Author. He has already put the words on the page and has promised to help me to highlight the ones that matter to his people here. I just have to ask, be open and be ready.

Now I am not claiming that this sermon was then awesome. That somehow the words flowed miraculously and that at the end of it there was a round of applause from the angels watching from heaven. But I did feel able to relax. I was not in this alone. It only seemed a daunting / impossible task when I tried to do it with my own intellect and understanding. And the words from the passage resonated loud and clear with me:

People judge by outward appearances, but the Lord looks at the heart.

Phew.

The elderly pastor was searching his wardrobe for his favourite tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the wardrobe, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 £1 coins.

He called his wife to the wardrobe to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"

The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the £100 was for.

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for £1."

top gear?

2011-05-06T10:11:00.000+01:00

On the Pope's visit to England last year an event happened that slipped under the media radar, but not that of the police. He was being chauffeured in a powerful Jaguar limousine down the M1 motorway in the middle of the night. He was chatting to the driver and said how one of the things he missed now he was Pope was that he never got to drive himself.

The driver agreed that this was a real shame and the Pope asked if he would swap places for a while so he could have a drive. After all, it was the middle of the night and the motorway was clear. The driver pulled off the motorway at the next exit and they switched places.

The Pope accelerated back onto the motorway and kept his foot down hard on the accelerator. He shot past 100 mph (he was used to the autobahn in Germany with no speed limit) and was accelerating past 120 mph when they went past an unmarked police car. Immediately the policeman put on his siren and blue lights and gave chase. As soon as he heard the siren and saw the lights the Pope pulled over to the side of the road and stopped.

The policeman strolled up to the window, which was tinted, and knocked for the driver to lower the window. The Pope did so and asked what the problem was. The policeman stammered incoherently when he saw the Pope and went back to his car to call his Superintendent. The transcript of the conversation is below:

Superintendent: "What's the matter?"

Traffic Officer: "I've just stopped a car doing 120 mph."

S: "So?"

TO: "Well I think Jesus is in the back."

S: "What! Why?"

TO: "The Pope's his driver!"

Yes, I know it's old and a groaner. But there is a point. The question I have been considering today is what or who is driving me?

Do I do things out of duty or stubbornness? Am I motivated by a sense of 'ought' or a sense of doing 'the right thing'? Is it what other people will think of me that drives me? Is it really true that I do things because it is what God wants me to do? Or is that sometimes a secondary consideration or a bonus?

What drove Jesus was a desire to do his Father's will. He served others because that was his Father's will. He blessed, encouraged, healed, challenged, inspired, and made other people laugh because that was his Father's will. If they had them in his day he would have had a WWDD wristband - what would dad do?

It doesn't need to be complicated. No need to tie ourselves in knots trying to work out whether God wants us to wear the green or blue tie. But be more concerned about bringing God's justice, truth, mercy, love, joy and laughter into people's lives.

Be blessed. Be a blessing

going equipped

2011-05-05T10:10:00.000+01:00

I went prepared to the Baptist Assembly.

In my bag I had a small selection of magic tricks in case somebody had a sudden deficiency of entertainment and the shout went out, "Is there a magician in the hotel?" Sadly there was no such call. The tricks stayed in my bag, except for a couple of occasions when I was on a train and got them out to practice. I received a strange look from the lady sitting opposite me. It was not an "Ooh, please show me a trick" sort of look. It was more "What on earth are you doing?". So I did not inflict my tricks on her.

I have become a little more self-aware about my magic tricks and how, in the desperate search for an audience I can be a bit overzealous. I realise now that there have been times when I have bored people with trick after trick. Most of the time they have humoured me and tolerated me. If you recognise yourself as an unwilling or unwitting victim of my tricks, please accept my apologies.

(On the other hand, if you would LIKE to be an audience, you only have to ask once!)

I have come across Christians who have a similar approach to sharing their faith. They inflict themselves on others rather than responding to invitations. They force their opinions on people rather than listening to what the others have to say. They are more willing to give answers than ask questions.

Often Jesus responded to questions and enquiries by asking the questioner a question in response. It was not that he was being evasive. Rather he was trying to engage in a dialogue. In effect he was saying, "What do you think?" or "Let's work this through together." It's not so easy to do this if you feel you have a good answer to someone's question. But it is humble, gracious, respectful and enables others to express their opinions while considering yours. I am sorry if you have ever been a victim of an over-zealous Christian. Please don't let it put you off exploring the questions you have. And if you want to try me, I do not have all the answers, but I am learning some good questions.

Be blessed, be a blessing.

A man goes to a theatrical agent and asks if she will represent him.

"What do you do?" she asked.

"I am a magician," says the man, "I am the Great Magnifico!"

"Hmmmm," muses the agent. "What is your signature trick?"

"I saw people in half," said the magician proudly, pausing for effect.

The agent was unimpressed. "There are lots of magicians who saw people in half," she said. "You will have to do something better than that if you want to be successful."

The Great Magnifico smiled and gently added, "...lengthways."

assembled reflections

2011-05-04T10:37:00.001+01:00

I have blogged much recently about my travel woes and the removal of gruntle among rail travellers. But I have not said much about the Baptist Assembly itself.

I want to say a big 'Thank You' to God for all he did and said through the participants. I want to say a big 'Thank You' to the participants and people working behind the scenes for being open to him speaking through them.

This was the first Assembly I have attended since I moved up the Baptist ladder from working in the Mission Department at Baptist House and moved back to leading a local church. I loved it. It was SO good meeting so many people who have blessed me in the past and renewing friendships, catching up with news and being with them.

It was also really good to be a recipient at the Assembly rather than a 'deliverer'. I could sit back and relax in the sessions I chose to attend (all of the main sessions and lots of others). I could concentrate on what God was saying and doing at that time rather than having at least half of my brain (the working half) thinking about what I had to do next and where I had to be. I could chill. I described it to someone as a 'mini sabbatical' where I was refreshed and blessed by God through his people.

What's that? You want to know specifically what God said and did?

OK.

The Assembly theme was 'Your Kingdom Come' and I received reminders about the inclusive nature of God's Kingdom. The invitation is for all and we need to be ready to welcome all who seek to find it through our church. Nobody should be excluded. Nobody should feel unwelcome.

I also received reminders about the breadth of God's Kingdom. It is not limited to our church, our denomination, or even churches in general. God's Kingdom is where his will is done on earth as it is in heaven and that is not limited to those of us who are explicitly following Jesus.

I received reminders about the values of our church. I warmed to Jeff Lucas's church's approach that includes 'intentional fun' as a value of their church. It won't surprise regular readers of this bloggerel that this resonated loudly with me. Fun does not mean trivial. Nor does it mean flippant or irreverent. It is not always appropriate. But it is something God has given us as a gift.

I received a reminder about the power and value of prayer and was nudged about my own prayer life as well as the prayer life of our church.

I received ideas about different ways of doing things in our church that will be more inclusive and enable more people to encounter God and be blessed.

And, if I am allowed, I felt proud of our church. We are not perfect. We have our problems. We are still looking to follow Jesus. But when people asked me how I was and how it was going I couldn't help grinning because I am a part of this lovely community of followers of Jesus. I couldn't help thinking about them on Sunday at service times and wondering how the rest of them were doing. I felt joy as I thought of them. Perhaps it was the closest I have got to being like Paul!

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
(Philippians 1:3-6)

Be blessed. Be a blessing.

One day a lawyer told another lawyer friend that he had become a Sunday School teacher at his church. His astonished friend replied, "You? A Sunday School teacher? I bet you don't even know the Lord's Prayer!"

"Why everybody knows that," the other answered. "Gentle Jesus, meek and mild, look upon this little child. Pity my simplicity, teach me Lord to come to thee."

His friend was astonished! He said, "You win! I didn't know you knew so much about the Bible."

And a true story:

In my first church we had some football teams that played in the local league. For most of the players this was their only contact with church. It was a club tradition that we always prayed before a match. One day the players realised that there was nobody from the church to lead a prayer. One of them remembered a prayer from school so he prayed: "For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful."

Wonderful!

God heard the prayer too. They lost 9-0 and found it hilarious!

the morning after the weekend before

2011-05-03T10:29:00.001+01:00

A few years ago the Queen remarked that she had had an "annus horriblis" (stick it in Google translate for latin if you are unsure). This weekend I have had "trainus horriblis". I had rotten train journeys going to and returning from the Baptist Assembly in Blackpool.

The Assembly itself was a massive blessing and encouragement. Thank you to everyone who worked so hard to make it such a good event. Thank you to everyone who was prepared to stop and chat with me rather than pretend they had not noticed / recognised me. Thank you most of all to God - the Father who's Kingdom comes, the Son who invites us to participate and the Spirit who empowers us. I was blessed by speakers and singing, conversations and cooked breakfasts... I was encouraged by things God said to me about the sort of follower he wants me to be and the sort of church he wants us to be.

this is Ivor the Engine, in case you did not know

But back to the trains. The delays were frustrating enough, but the worst thing was not being told what was happening. On the way to Blackpool we had to get off the train in the middle of nowhere and catch a bus because some nice people had helped themselves to some cables from beside the track and the signals were not working. The bus trundled its way through the countryside, stopping en route at the scheduled stations for the journey. But at no point was I told by anyone who looked like they knew what they were doing how I would get to Blackpool.

In the end a rumour travelled through the coach that we were getting off at Blackburn (similar but a burn is not a pool) and getting another train from there. Eventually Ivor the Engine's grandson chugged up and we chugged gently off to Blackpool, arriving over an hour late.

So, thought I, the journey back could not be as bad. Indeed the first part of the journey was wonderful because a friend who was driving to Peterborough gave me a lift that meant I arrived in Peterborough shortly after I was scheduled to arrive in Manchester on the train! (Thanks again, Martin). Woohoo, thought I, I am going to get home earlier than I thought.

But no. The train I was going to catch was cancelled (no explanation) and I was told that I would have to wait 2 hours for the next one. An hour and a half later I noticed on the board that this train too had been cancelled. The frazzled man in the information office told me that I should catch a train to Norwich and then a train from there to Colchester. I did.

I got to Norwich and checked the board. Trains were only going as far as Stowmarket, where a coach would take us to Ipswich, where another train would take us to Colchester. Apparently a tree had fallen over and squashed the overhead lines between Stowmarket and Ipswich. This is why the trains in Peterborough had been cancelled. What the nice people in Peterborough had done was shift the problem from their station to another station.

To cut a long story slightly short, I arrived home at 1155pm, when I had expected to be home by 8pm if the trains had been on time. My issue is not with the cancellation of trains (although that was frustrating) or even being sent off to another station like an unwelcome problem (although that was annoying). The real problem was the lack of significant and helpful information.

I realise that this is also an issue for us as a church. We are in the process of renovating the interior of our church and have not communicated well about some of the suggestions for changes. This has made some people frustrated or annoyed. I am sorry. It is not good.

Last week we saw the culmination of the pathetic attempts to undermine President Obama by suggesting that he was not born in America. At the press conference when he put an end to all of this he said something brilliant: "We do not have time for this kind of silliness. We've got better stuff to do. I've got better stuff to do."

Jeff Lucas, at the Baptist Assembly, said many helpful things but one of them was along similar lines: don't get distracted from Jesus' mission by trivia.

Now, I am NOT saying that people are being silly about the lack of communication on the changes in the interior of our church building. I am NOT saying that it is trivial. How the church looks is part of the way we communicate. How we reach a decision is as important as the decision itself. The fact that some people are feeling that the process is not blessing them is important. Please hear / read me saying those things.

But I do not want us to be distracted from Jesus' mission by our failings in the process. The train companies could have given up. They could have said, "We've got a lot of passengers who have lost their gruntle and we are not going to be able to re-gruntle them, so we won't bother running trains anymore today." They did their best to do what they are meant to be doing, despite their failings.

At one of the coach transfers a very disgruntled passenger took out his lack of gruntle on a member of the staff: "It's YOUR fault, it's YOUR responsibility," he shouted. I wanted to go up and hug that poor lady and say, "Thank you, you are doing your best." In the end I did not, but I did smile sympathetically at her and say, "Thanks."

Church doesn't always go right. We do make mistakes. Again, I say that I am sorry for when that hurts people or removes their gruntle. But as a church we must not be distracted by this, even as we seek to make it right, from our core mission task.

Be blessed. Be a blessing.

Train delay joke (please note swearing is not big and it's not clever, so if you prefer you can insert 'fluffy bunnies' where the ******* have replaced a naughty word)

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all of you ******* who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you ******* who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you ******* who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him, "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours."

So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mum if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say.

The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, "Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you ladies and gentlemen who are fed up 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the ******* in the kitchen.

Breaking news

2011-05-02T08:28:00.000+01:00

I woke this morning to the news that American forces have killed Osama Bin Laden. "Justice" is a word that has been on the lips of President Obama, Prime Minister Cameron and other national leaders.

But is it justice? There is no doubt that Bin Laden has been responsible for atrocities and the deaths of thousands. But this is not justice.

Justice (in democracies) surely involves an arrest, a trial and a verdict and a sentence. Okay it seems he was resisting arrest, but his death in those circumstances is still not justice. At worst it could be seen as an execution. It could be seen by his supporters as a martyr's death. It could be portrayed as 'might is right'.

And am I alone at feeling distaste at the images of crowds of people in America waving flags and hollering, "USA! USA!" Change the flags and the chants and it looks like many of the anti-Western crowds we have been shown in countries that are supposedly our enemies.

How does this fit with 'love your enemies'? Where is the humility? Where's the grace?
Sent from my BlackBerry smartphone from Virgin Media

The Assembly today

2011-04-30T23:09:00.001+01:00

Following a rude awakening this morning the day improved significantly - helped by a good cooked breakfast!

Several people have asked me if I am going to make caustic comments about the Baptist Assembly.

No.

Not just because I know from personal experience how hard people work to create an Assembly that will bless those who attend. Not only because of Jeff Lucas's message this evening that included an urging not to focus on trivia.

But mainly because I am enjoying it; I'm being blessed, inspired and challenged; and Jesus' Kingdom has come, is here now and will come.
Sent from my BlackBerry smartphone from Virgin Media

Alarmed

2011-04-30T07:38:00.001+01:00

Just been woken and brought to immediate alert by the fire alarm going off in the hotel. Grabbed shoes, jacket and keys and was heading out of the door in my pyjamas when it stopped and one of the staff came around to say it is a false alarm.

Was it a sneaky way of checking out our pyjamas? Was it a shocking way to make sure we are all up and at breakfast on time? And do I dare take a shower now, with the possibility of another false alarm?

I am going to live dangerously either way - don't shower and find myself sitting alone. Shower and risk being outside sans pyjamas!
Sent from my BlackBerry smartphone from Virgin Media

The verdict

2011-04-29T23:53:00.000+01:00

Time in the bar with friends beats early night. But now it's appropriate to obey Zebedee
Sent from my BlackBerry smartphone from Virgin Media

And so to bed?

2011-04-29T21:26:00.001+01:00

It has been a long day. I have travelled a long way to the Baptist Assembly. But it is GOOD to be here.

I have met old friends and former colleagues. Nice.

I have felt at home among my denominational family. Yeah.

I have worshipped Jesus with over 1500 fellow believers. Woohoo.

I have been blessed by being reminded that nobody is excluded from Jesus' kingdom by divisions we might insert. Hooray.

Now the decision at 930 pm is whether to get an early night or head out with friends...
Sent from my BlackBerry smartphone from Virgin Media

Testing times

2011-04-28T15:12:00.001+01:00

I will be at the Baptist Assembly in Blackpool this weekend - sans laptop. I hope that this post via email will work, in which case I will post from Blackpool via Blackberry
Sent from my BlackBerry smartphone from Virgin Media

"my, how you've changed..."

2011-04-28T09:33:00.000+01:00

We have to renew our driving licence photos. I did not realise that this was what happens but after 20 years they want a new picture of Sally* and myself for our driving licences. I guess this is because they imagine that people change after 20 years. It can't simply be a sneaky way of getting more money out of us.

This is the DVLA building in Swansea where they issue demands
for new driving licence photos.

I am quite pleased really. I don't like my current driving licence picture. I have changed physically in 20 years. In it I am wearing some dodgy glasses and have an embarrassing amount of hair. (Yes, 'some' hair!). On occasions when I have to produce some photo i.d. I dislike showing it because it is so different to how I look today.

So if we had a photo of how we looked spiritually, 20 years ago, would we notice a difference? What would those differences be? In what ways have we changed? Where has the Spiritual Fruit grown? It's worth pausing and considering this from time to time. It is not intended as a guilt-inducing exercise, but one that will encourage as we see how God has been changing us.

Sitting on the side of the road, waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 12 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twelve miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The Policeman, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "A12" was the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off the A120."

*Sally has not changed much at all.

... and relax

2011-04-27T16:23:00.000+01:00

I is having a day off today. They usually happen on Saturdays for me, but there's a bonus one this week for having to work all the way through a Bank Holiday last week (Good Friday).

The problem is that I can't turn my brain off completely from thinking about church things:

Who will run the new video system on Sunday as there's nobody on the rota?
Conversations I need to have with people in the future.
New staff member we will need because of the imminent departure of a current one.
Who I will visit tomorrow.
How will Sunday services go (I won't be there as I am going to be at the Baptist Assembly).
Will we have more people join our Alpha course?

Does this make me:
a. control freak
b. stressed
c. both of the above
d. a pastor

I hope that the answer is d. I can't switch off being a pastor just because I am having a day off. I can't stop caring about the people linked to our church. I can't stop being concerned about sharing the good news of Jesus with people. I can't turn off my desire that people will be able to encounter God in our services.

There's a brilliant children's book by Nicholas Allan. It is called Jesus' Day Off . The title gives away a lot of the plot, but the significant thing is that even when Jesus is having a day off, people are being blessed. He doesn't stop caring, blessing and refreshing others even when he is having a day off.

Lessons to learn:
1. Jesus needed time out. So do I.
2. Jesus never stopped being the Good Shepherd, it was in his DNA. I can't stop being a pastor.
3. There are times when I need to realise that Jesus knew what he was talking about: "Do not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself"
4. Making notes of things to do means I can safely put them aside and relax again.
5. Must get out Jesus' Day Off and re-read it... in the garden... with a nice cold drink...

tweeting

2011-04-26T10:02:00.000+01:00

We had to sleep with the windows open a couple of nights ago. It was too hot. The open windows let in the cooler air. Job done. Unfortunately they also let in the sound of the dawn chorus.

In the garden, just below our bedroom window, is a large bush / small tree that houses about a million sparrows. Every morning as it gets light the sparrows start tweeting. No, not sending messages of 140 characters to each other on their phones or laptops. They just start going tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. It is as if they have never experienced the dawn before. Or perhaps they have very short memories and each morning's sunrise is a surprise. But why do they need to be so noisy about it? Why do they need to tweet their little heads off to let each other know that the day is starting again? And why do they have to do it so blooming early?

I don't tweet

A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush but that's because it is likely to be quieter!

The sparrows in the bush are not the only birds causing us problems. One (or more) have managed to find a way into our loft. I would not mind too much except that they have decided to use our loft as a toilet. That's not very pleasant, nor is it good manners. They would not like it if I visited their nest and... (let's not go there). We will have to take measures to close off their point of entry and hope they do not have a set of tools up there that will enable them to break in again.

And then there are the pigeons. There are a few pigeons that frequent our neighbourhood. But there seem to be two in particular who spend their time courting and, erm, well, doing what comes naturally. On the top of our fence. On the roof opposite our kitchen window. On another roof overlooking our garden while we are sitting in the garden (and perilously close to a skylight in that roof). I want to shout at them, "Get a nest!" Why do they insist on procreating around our garden all the time? Are they being filmed for an X-rated film for birds?

So, other than giving me an opportunity to whinge, what is the point of this bloggerel? Well... bear with me... it's not to do with the pigeon porn, nor is it to do with the unwelcome gifts from the bird in the loft. It's about the early birds. Each morning they get excited because the sun is coming up. It's a new day.

Your royal grumpiness struggles in the morning. But I have the same opportunity as the sparrows. God has given me a new day with new opportunities. Opportunities to encounter him in the people I meet as well as in the pages of the Bible. Opportunities to serve as well as to be served. Opportunities to rejoice, be glad, celebrate and give thanks to God for the new day. Tweet, tweet tweet!

By the way, this Easter the joy, surprise and reality of Jesus' resurrection has come home to me even more strongly than usual. TWEETY TWEET TWEET TWEET!!!

Remember though - the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Be blessed, be a blessing!

at the foot of the cross

2011-04-22T09:06:00.000+01:00

Who is there at the foot of the cross?

Simon of Cyrene? A visitor to Jerusalem. He was not a follower of Jesus but somehow got caught up in the events and carried the cross for Jesus.

Women who were distraught about the execution of the one who had shown them dignity and honour. Who had spoken of a new kingdom based on love.

People who only a few days before had been singing and shouting, "Hosanna!" which had turned into screams of "Crucify him!"

Those who had schemed and engineered his death. Feeling vindicated. Mocking. Drunk on the surge of power that bullies feel over their victims.

A convicted criminal was there, next to him. He acted true to form and joined in the mockery of the hapless victim beside him. Why did he have no fight in him?

Another criminal, on the other side, who realised he was witnessing an injustice and sought reconciliation with Jesus... "remember me"

Soldiers who had crucified him, watching the effects of their morning's work, and their commanding officer who, too late, realised they had killed an innocent man.

Those who had been secret followers of Jesus. Wondering whether they should have tried to stand up for him. Is it too late to do something for him now?

Perhaps, at a distance, not wanting to risk catching his eye, some of his closest friends who had abandoned him. Not able to look, unable to tear their eyes away.

You and I are there. Part of the crowd. Represented. How do you feel as you hear the cry, "It is finished!"

underprepared, overprepared, ministering free...

2011-04-21T12:25:00.000+01:00

Very quick lunchtime blog today as I am almost overwhelmed by stuff I have to get done.

Yesterday I was at an inspirational conference about how churches respond to the Big Society agenda. It was delivered by Steve Chalke and gave us lots to think about. At the end of the day there was a panel discussion with Steve Chalke, Bob Russell (our local MP), one of our Councillors, a Christian businessman, a youth worker, and, erm, me. I found out at the moment the panel was invited to sit at the front. Short notice or what!? Thinking time was virtually zero!

Today I prepared for a regular meeting at our church, went to the church and discovered that the meeting was not happening. I should have checked our weekly notice sheet. D'Oh! I am annoyed with myself but now have the talk I was going to give ready to roll next month! Over-prepared!

For me as a minister the biggest problem I have is making sure I leave myself enough time to prepare well for what I have to do. I hate 'flying by the seat of my pants' although I do find that when those moments occur God is gracious and helps me out. I hate rushing out of the door with the ink still wet on what I have prepared. I like to take a relaxed approach to preparation. I have taken to putting preparation time into my diary, but know that I am sometimes more generous in giving it away than I should be.

So how do you prepare for what God wants you to do? Do you arrive at the next thing and 'wing it' or have you spent time asking God what he wants from you?

Unrelated joke:
"Doctor, Doctor, I think I am a labrador. I slobber and dribble everywhere, I chase sticks and I walk round in circles three times before I lie down in my bed."
"Well, lie down on this couch and we'll talk about it."
"I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture."

man cold alert

2011-04-20T09:36:00.000+01:00

I have a cold. It is a man cold. It is only surpassed in seriousness by man-flu!

In order to help me keep on going manfully through the man cold I have been taking various remedies that claim to stop the symptoms while my immune system goes about its business of ejecting the man cold virus. Because it is man cold they are having a varied level of success. Even the 'Max Strength' ones don't do all that they claim.

So yesterday I went to a well-known apothecary named after footwear and asked for something to dry up the man cold. The nice lady behind the counter stopped her alchemy and presented me with a box of magic tablets that would do the job.

I was pleased with this so I gave her some silver coins in exchange for these mysterious morsels of medicine and took one.

The good news was that they did indeed dry out the man cold. The bad news was that they made me feel very sleepy. What do you do when you have to choose between two options like this. Either (and skip this bit if you are a bit sensitive) you have to spend your day with pockets filled with handkerchiefs and endure frequent nasal-powered mucus evacuations with the subsequent problem of what to do with the loaded handkerchiefs afterwards. Or you stop the snot and sleep when you need to be alert and working.

Choices are sometimes not clear-cut but are sometimes about choosing the least-worst option. This is why I get concerned by people who pronounce things like, "It is never right for a man and a woman to get divorced." (Heard once at a 'marriage enrichment' seminar at a Christian Seasonal Gathering at a holiday camp). At the time I was still working as a lawyer and had recently had a client come in after her husband had used her as a punch-bag and I had to get an injunction to keep him away from her. I could not believe that it was 'right' for her to stay in that abusive relationship.

In the circumstances when the answer is not obvious, or is 'least worst' I try to think of what is most loving and just. They seem to be God's guiding principles in the Bible. But if the cross was the least worst option, what does that say about how God views the alternative for us?

Today, I am pleased to say, the man cold seems to be abating and has now turned into an ordinary cold.

A young boy called the pastor of a local church to ask him to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.

The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Reverend Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mum?"

The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever this is that Mum has."

in case you wanted a laugh today

2011-04-19T10:20:00.000+01:00

I didn't feel a joke was appropriate with today's blog, so if you want one, this is an extra one with some frivolity....

If I (a bald man) get hit on the head can I still get a hairline fracture?

I knew I was going bald when it was taking me longer and longer to wash my face.

To some people God gave beautiful heads. To the rest he had to give hair.

But I still don't understand the evolutionary advantage of losing hair from the top of my head and having it grow more virulently in my ears, eyebrows and up my nose...

praying in anguish

2011-04-19T10:15:00.001+01:00

I have always been fascinated by Jesus 'sweating blood'

³⁹ Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. ⁴⁰ On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” ⁴¹ He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, ⁴² “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” ⁴³An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. ⁴⁴ And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. (Luke 22, NIV 2011)

There are medical explanations for the phenomenon. I understand that it is a sign of someone under incredible stress. What has fascinated me is not the medical explanation for the event but two complementary thoughts.

One is that it was in praying that Jesus sweated blood. Even after he had been strengthened by an angel! He had willingly submitted to the awful, terrible events that he knew lay ahead - the 'cup' from which he had to drink. He prayed in the same way that he taught his followers: "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

I've never been that passionate in my praying that I have worked up much of a sweat, never mind sweating blood. Jesus knew that to face what lay ahead of him he had to lay it before his Father in prayer.

The second thought is that these were the first drops of blood that he shed for you and me. In the Last Supper he took the cup after supper and declared that it was "the New Covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you." (Luke 22:20) Even before the flogging, the crown of thorns, the crucifixion and the spear thrust into his side, Jesus began pouring out his blood for us - in prayer. His resolve was strengthened, his commitment to us affirmed in that moment.

It is an incredible privilege that our prayers are heard in the throne room of the Universe. Jesus' praying in Gethsemane, the 'place of the olive press', when he was under intense pressure, reminds me that I can take it for granted and take it too lightly. I can never be too passionate about praying!

choose your battles wisely

2011-04-18T11:32:00.000+01:00

I used to be a litigation lawyer. I say this by way of a statement of fact, not as a confession. One of the things that the solicitor who was the head of the litigation department taught me was to discern which cases to settle and which to fight. This meant that when I went to court I knew I had a strong case that I could defend with confidence rather than a dodgy claim in which I hoped I might get lucky. It also meant that clients were happier with the outcomes.

Choose your battles wisely. That was also good parenting advice I have read (although not always taken on board - sorry kids!).

So when I read about cases like this one I am not sure what to think. Have they chosen their battles wisely?

I have a suspicion that the employers are technically correct. If there is a ban on any personal items in company vehicles then that should apply to everyone. I suspect it is to prevent employees customising their vehicles or diminishing the impact of the corporate identity. But this has been seized on by those who see an anti-Christian conspiracy everywhere and is now another case being fought on behalf of oppressed Christians. If my suspicion is correct, and if the case goes to court, a judge will have no choice but to find in favour of the company and this will then be proclaimed as yet another anti-Christian judgment in this increasingly ungodly country.

It's the same as the furore in the past about a nurse who could not wear a cross on a chain around her neck at work in a hospital. The reason given was not an anti-Christian agenda, it was that any chains around the necks of nurses were potential strangling hazards for the staff if a patient grabbed them. But again it was fought in public as oppression of Christians. A judge decided that this was a rule that was based on safety not on an anti-religious agenda and found for the health authority.

Comparisons are made with other religions, whose adherents are allowed to wear the symbols of their faith such as turbans. But these are essential aspects of those religions. Nowhere in the Bible are we told that Christians have to wear or display crosses. Instead what we are told to represent our faith with is the way we treat other people, the way in which we are in the face of adversity, the way we love one another, and having 'the aroma of Christ', being followers of Jesus who went the way of the cross.

I do feel for the individuals involved in cases like the ones above. I empathise with their sense of injustice (if they are the ones being told not to wear or display the crosses). But I also feel for those who are called on to enforce the rules and are vilified for it by Christians. I also wonder what will happen in France where wearing of Muslim veils in public is now illegal and Muslim women are wearing them in protest. Will Christians be as willing to stand up for their rights?

It is right for us to highlight and fight against injustice and oppression. It is right for us to be proud of our faith and willing to stand up for it. We should never be ashamed of being Christians. We should never shrink back from being the people Jesus calls us to be. We should always be seeking the fruit of the Spirit to be growing and evident within us.

But aren't there worse injustices in the world and isn't there greater oppression than Christians not being allowed to show or wear a cross? Aren't there better ways to demonstrate our faith? Isn't the way we are more of a witness than what we wear? Is the Spirit bearing evident fruit?

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

Where's the fruit of belligerence? What about the fruit of contentiousness? Why no fruit of litigiousness?

I feel the need for some more lawyer-related jokes to calm me down:

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys!

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in small print.

Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

when I'm calling you oo oo oo oo oo oo

2011-04-15T09:14:00.000+01:00

"If you can be happy doing anything else, do it!"

Those were the encouraging words of my Minister when I spent some time talking with him as a teenager who was exploring the possibility that God wanted me to be a Minister too. He was trying to express to me how it is crucial to know the certainty of your calling. If there was anything else with which I would have been content then that would suggest that I was not called.

I tried not to laugh when he said that. Not because it was silly, but because as he had been talking I had a thought that frightened me. "What will I do with my life if he says he does not think I am called to be a Minister?" As I zoned back in to what he was saying he uttered the sentence above. Great timing! God timing?

There have been other occasions when someone has said something at 'just the right time'. Around the time when I was first considering a call to the Ministry (before the above conversation) I was in a Bible Study meeting and (unusually for me) only said one thing all evening, which was to read a passage from the Bible that I had been asked to read. It was my first time with this group. I was sat next to a friend on one side and an old lady called Ivy on the other. At the end of the evening Ivy turned to me and said (out of the blue), "You're going to be a Minister, aren't you?"

I was gobsmacked, and suspicious. How did she know that this is what I was wrestling with? I asked her how she knew and she smiled sweetly and enigmatically said, "I just know."

That incident has stayed with me. It is something so 'out of the ordinary' that I believe that it was God speaking to me through Ivy. It is an incident that God reminds me of occasionally when I may feel low or the strengths of my sense of call has waned a bit. It is also something that reminds me that God speaks through all of us. There have been occasions when I have felt a strong sense that I should say something specific to someone and have usually offered it to them very cautiously and tentatively asked them if it makes sense. It almost always does.

That's not because I am superspiritual or special, but because God is gracious enough to speak through me to others.

So when you sense that God wants you to speak with someone (and you WILL know) - go for it. Humility is better than "Thus saith the Lord" and gentleness is better than dogmaticism. But God may want to bless / encourage / inspire / help someone through you. Be brave.

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbour back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

This Sunday I will mostly be speaking about...

2011-04-14T09:27:00.000+01:00

Is it just me? I find myself increasingly irritated by the news in the morning. We are told what has happened overnight. That's great. That's important. We are told about some things that are happening today. That's helpful, even if it is a bit like advertising (especially when the 'news' is about a TV programme that is on later!). But what irritates me is when we are told what someone will be saying in a speech later.

Why? Why do we need to be told what is in the speech? Why not wait for the speech and then tell us what was said? And if we know what will be in the speech, why bother making the speech at all? It all seems rather silly to me. It would be like me announcing what will be in my sermon later this week. Yes, I know I sometimes say what the theme will be, but that is usually because something I have read or considered feels important then, and is not an attempt at trailing the sermon in advance to gain publicity.

Trailers... pah!

I reckon this trend could probably be linked to the growth in the numbers of publicists and 'spin doctors'. I suspect that the thinking is that if you announce the theme of the speech before it happens you can show how important / relevant / in touch with public opinion / controversial the speech will be and generate interest in it. It has certainly happened today with an announcement of the theme of a speech by David Cameron being trailed on the morning news and then picked up in a radio phone-in. By the time of the speech it becomes the topic everyone is talking about on that day and so become even more relevant.

There is a sense in which Jesus did that. During his ministry his theme was often about 'the Kingdom of God is at hand / near / coming'. It was breaking in as he preached, healed, taught, blessed, encouraged, rebuked, challenged and invited. But it came in more spectacularly at Easter. On the cross. In the tomb. Out of the tomb!

This Sunday morning (unsurprisingly) the theme is Palm Sunday. I am not going to tell you what aspect of the theme we are taking. But is it possible that Palm Sunday was a trailer for Easter week? We are participating in the Passion Experience at our church. If you join in you will be sent a series of texts or emails during Easter week that reflect the events and help you to consider what was happening. The tension rises. The action gets more vivid. The dramatic music swells.

If you want to join in text ‘cbc’ to 07797 803 730 or visit www.thepassionexperience.org.uk/cbc and you can sign up for free. Make it the thing you are talking and thinking about next week.

an apology

2011-04-13T16:48:00.000+01:00

Dear bloggists

I am sorry that I have not posted anything for the last couple of days. This is because I was without t'internet, enjoying a few days away with some of our church. 'Normal' service (whatever that is) will be resumed tomorrow, I hope.

In the meantime, a jokette for you...

They say there are only two certainties in life: death and taxes.

Unless you are a billionaire, in which case there are off-shore accounts and cryogenics!

going anywhere nice for your holidays?

2011-04-08T14:57:00.001+01:00

I had a traumatic experience on Wednesday. It involved flashbacks, anxiety, envy, a pair of scissors and some money.

On Wednesday I took my daughter somewhere that brought back pleasant memories for me. It reminded me of relaxing and pleasant times in my past that will never happen again.

I took her to the hairdressers.

I sat in a chair watching from afar while the hairdresser did her thing to Hannah's hair. I reminisced about how relaxing it was when I used to have my hair cut. There was something so calming about having someone cut my hair while making small talk about where I was going on my holidays and what I did for a living (which often led to: "Oh"-style responses).

Never again.

Now I normally cut my own hair with a pair of clippers. No, it doesn't take long - thanks for asking. But before my Mum's wedding last year I decided to treat myself and went to a nearby Barber's shop. As I went in the barber looked at me and paused.

"Thank you for not laughing," I said. I then confirmed that I was there for a haircut. I wanted him to clip my hair.

It was unsatisfactory for several reasons:

It did not take long at all. Not even long enough for him to find out my holiday plans.
I felt rather silly sitting in the chair with other customers looking on and wondering why I was bothering.
At the end of the haircut the barber charged me a couple of quid less than full price!

I felt disappointed, embarrassed and a little sad. It was not the relaxing, gentle experience of my youth (when I had luxuriant hair).

I have not dared to go back.

It seems that nostalgia is not what it used to be. I am amused but not surprised at the complaints of the Hebrews escaping from Egypt under Moses, who started grumbling quite quickly and decided that they wanted to go back to Egypt. What, back to the slavery, torture and perhaps even certain death?

How many times do I 'want to go back to Egypt'? Do I hark back to the 'good old days'? Do I reminisce about what God did with me in the past? There's nothing wrong with remembering (eg Communion!) but good remembering is about reflecting on God's actions in the past to reassure and encourage to face the present and the future.

I refer you to the joke I made here as it seems immensely apt.

booking time

2011-04-07T09:02:00.000+01:00

I have four books sitting on my desk that are ready to be read. Some of them have been on my desk for a while. They have not gathered dust (because they keep getting moved around to make space). But they have not been opened in anger or engaged with in a meaningful way.

It seems a bit rude. Like inviting some people around for a meal and then not listening to anything that they have to say. The four books are quite different in content and subject matter:

Real Scientists Real Faith - 18 esteemed scientists talk about the difference their faith makes to their scientific practice and their science makes to their faith
God on Mute (Pete Greig) - engaging the silence of unanswered prayer
Love Wins (Rob Bell) - looking at big questions of life and death
The Fourfold Leadership of Jesus (Andrew Watson) - leading as Jesus led

My only problem is that I have not got the time I need to sit down and read them. I reckon that if I read book 4 there may be some guidance about taking time out to refresh. I reckon that if I read book 1 there may be some inspiration about how research supports and strengthens science and faith. I reckon if I read book 2 there may be something there for me about asking God for answers. I reckon if I read book 3 there may be something there about needing to dig deeper.

I know I need to read more than my Bible and books I use to prepare sermons. I want to. But there are so many other things going on that this is one of the things that gets squeezed out. I have tried putting it in my diary but then it can get pushed out by the need to visit someone.

I have tried putting them beside my bed and reading them at night but that is not a good idea if I want to think about what I am reading when I am trying to calm my brain down, or if I want to remember what I have read the next day.

I have tried leaving the pile next to my computer so I see them whenever I log on to write this blog, but they have turned into a handy-sized pile on which to rest my Bible. Somehow it seems self-indulgent to spend time reading.

If I am not being fed as a Pastor how can I expect to feed others? That was a lesson we had drummed into us as trainee ministers and I know the truth of this. So this is by way of a New Day's Resolution. I am going to spend more time reading to bless, edify, encourage, inspire, challenge and expand my soul.

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

computer users - a parable?

2011-04-06T12:04:00.000+01:00

Apparently there are three types of computer users:

Novice user - this is someone who is terrified of pressing a key in case they break something.
Intermediate user - this is someone who doesn't know how to fix the computer after they pressed a key.
Expert user - this is someone who knows how to break other people's computers.

I reckon that this could be a parable. For computer user, insert 'Christian', and for 'pressing a key' insert 'putting their faith into action'.

Sometimes we are novices and we are afraid to take a step of faith and do what God wants because we are worried we will do the wrong thing, we won't be good enough, we might upset someone, we might look silly.

Sometimes we are intermediates and we worry about whether we have done the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, look silly...

Sometimes we think we are experts and tell other people what to do in order to do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, look silly...

The issue here is not whether we are like Jonah (we don't want to do it because it sounds too difficult), Peter (wanting to do the right thing but likely to mess it up) or even Paul (full of good advice but not concerned about ruffling a few feathers). The issue is that God invites us all to participate in him and to put our faith in him regardless of the probability that we will get it wrong at times.

When God told Jonah to go to Nineveh he knew Jonah would be scared. But maybe he knew that the people of Nineveh would be curious to listen to someone who smelt of fish vomit. When Jesus invited Peter to step out of the boat and walk on the water he knew that Peter would get distracted. But maybe he knew that this would be a (soggy) baby-step on Peter's journey of faith. When Jesus startled Paul on the road to Damascus he knew that Paul would be regarded with suspicion and have a lot of difficult church meetings ahead of him. But maybe he knew that it would take someone who is single-minded and doesn't care what other people think of them to establish and nurture fledgling churches.

And me? I guess knows stuff about me that he can use for his mission and ministry - whether I think I am a novice, an intermediate or even when I am presumptuous enough to consider myself an expert!

Be blessed

synchronicity?

2011-04-05T08:43:00.002+01:00

Sunday night was horrible. I went to bed at the normal time and fell asleep as normal. But at 1am I awoke with my brain buzzing about different things I need to do. I have a pad and pen beside my bed just for that reason. Not so I can doodle, but so I can write down what my brain is thinking about so I won't forget it in the morning. I have found that this enables me to relax again because I know I won't forget it.

The problem on Sunday night was that every time I wrote something down my brain started thinking about something else. Grrr. All my body wanted to do was sleep. All my brain wanted to do was to think. Why were they so far out of synch?

Eventually my body won and my brain gave up. Some may say that it has not resumed thinking since. On Sunday morning we concluded our series looking at the Fruit of the Spirit. One of the things I was saying was that we need to be in synch with the Spirit. Paul writes of keeping "in step with the Spirit". The image that came to me was of running a distance race. We should not go off so fast that we burn out, but we should not go so slowly that we lose touch. We should keep pace with the Spirit of God.

How do we do that? Well the answer is predictable but one we often ignore. Frequently be in conversation with God by reading the Bible, praying, worshipping... Listen as well as speak in our prayers. Find companions in the faith to encourage and help you.

It's not rocket science. But if you feel out of synch with the Spirit and you are aware that he is not bearing spiritual fruit in you at the moment I reckon you can start your analysis of the problem with a look at how close you are to him. Are you keeping pace?

Not sure what the link is to this joke, but I like it!

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Medico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him. He falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding.

Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what is a pinata?"

1, 2, 3, 4, 5... er... 10,000

2011-04-04T15:45:00.000+01:00

Sometime over the weekend it happened. One of you probably did it but have not confessed. Was it you?

Astonishingly someone made my hit counter on the blog tick over to 10,000 hits! My flabber has never been so ghasted! It seems incredible to me that people have thought it might be worth paying 10,000 separate visits to see what rubbish I am spouting forth. If you are one of them, and by virtue of the fact that you are reading this, then you are, thank you, bless you and... why!!?? Haven't you people got anything better to do?

This is not false humility. Honestly. I am genuinely surprised and flattered that this number visits have been paid to the Nukelear Fishing blog. Of course there is no way of knowing how many of those were people who had arrived by mistake. Perhaps some search engines have been directing people here because they think it is a website about fishing or nuclear physics. I guess those people won't be staying very long!

We can never know the full impact of what we say or write. Words can be incredibly powerful - positively or negatively. It is possible to say something that we consider to be insignificant that really blesses and encourages someone else. It is also possible to say something inconsiderately that upsets or disappoints someone else.

When I was a child my parents had many maxims that they tried to get me to adopt. One was "Engage brain before opening mouth." Now I realise how wise they were... It is said that when we are teenagers we knew that our parents knew nothing but it is incredible how much they learnt by the time we were 21!

It is my prayer that my reflections each day will help me walk closer as a follower of Jesus and be a better free sample of him to the people I meet. If I have written anything that has blessed or encouraged you on one of the 10,000+ visits then I am delighted. If I have upset you then I am sorry.

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mum, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

explanation of this morning's bloggerel

2011-04-01T14:42:00.000+01:00

Yes, the first part of the bloggage this morning was an attempt at an April Fool's joke, sorry! Still, it does mean that the blog was not without a joke after all...

principles?

2011-04-01T07:47:00.000+01:00

I have a decision to make. I have been approached by a Christian publisher to write a series of daily devotions based on my blog. That is amazing. (I can't say which publisher but I don't think they will be asked to join the TUC.) Apparently someone who works there is a regular blogmate and showed it to the publishing department and one of the commissioning editors liked it.

The problem is that they want me to leave out the jokes. My instinct is to say 'no' on principle. The jokes may be corny but they represent part of my outlook on life and it feels wrong to leave them out. But am I being stubborn unnecessarily? When does 'taking a stand' become 'being silly'? For most of the time that is obvious, but when there's not a cigarette paper's gap between the two, how do you decide?

Yesterday we had some men arrive to rehang the door on our new fridge. They did not have the parts and suggested that the best way of doing it was to tell the shop we bought it from that it was damaged so they would send us a new fridge. They told me that I would have to back up their story and I told them that I was not prepared to lie because I am a Christian. The men were unimpressed because it meant more work for them to order the parts and come back.Taking a stand or silly? We now have to wait another fortnight for the correct parts to be delivered...

What stands have you taken on the basis of your faith?

No joke today. On principle.

improvising

2011-03-31T10:50:00.000+01:00

I took part in an Assembly today for a local school (reception to Year 6). I was asked to speak about Easter and decided to use a magic trick to illustrate what I was saying. As I was getting ready a vital part of the trick broke. Aaargh!

I then had to improvise a repair.

not the school I visited today

Which broke before the Assembly began.

Aaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh!

I then had to improvise a different ending to the magic trick (which seemed to work but was not visually as good or as funny).

However the Head was gracious and kind at the end and has talked about me returning. :-)

It seems that a lot of our lives we have to improvise. As Robert Burns (or Rabbie if you are Scottish) (or Rabbi if you are Hebrew?) noted: "The best-laid plans of mice and men aft gan aglay." I have blogged about this before, so won't bore you with a repeat.

The question is: how willing are we to compromise our plans so that they fit with God's plans, improvise in response to the unexpected by relying on God and harmonise with God's Spirit so that we keep in step with him?

Improvising in response to the unexpected with magic words
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Big Bother is watching you

2011-03-30T13:34:00.000+01:00

Ahoy there blogmates!

It will now be much more difficult to find somewhere to sit in our church...

our camera is a lot more discrete!

...where you can't see what is going on. We have installed a video camera and some extra screens so that wherever you sit you should be able to see what is happening. We had a demo yesterday from the installers and it is very good. I am impressed with the quality of the video image and also with the zoom range and flexibility of the camera. The camera is one that is designed primarily as a security camera but the resolution is brilliant.

The operator has incredible flexibility to be able to zoom in, pan around and zoom out on most places downstairs and parts of the balcony too! While the prime purpose is to enable people to see what is happening at the front, it will also enable us to zoom in on members of the congregation.

We can focus on those who have fallen asleep in the sermon.

We can zoom in on someone's sermon 'notes' to see if they are writing or doodling.

We can see who is joining in with activities or sitting on their hands (metaphorically or literally).

We can look at people who are chatting to each other rather than paying attention.

We can see who sneaks in late.

We can watch the behaviour of young people who sit opposite the camera in the balcony.

We can see who is not in church but noting the empty place where they usually sit.

And so on.

Mischievous operators at the training session yesterday were suggesting that they could allocate some of the 100+ preset positions for the camera to where people regularly sit, especially if they are likely to drop off, doodle, etc...

Never mind 'Big Brother is watching you', this will be 'Big Brother or Sister in the Lord is watching you'!

Of course we would not do that. (This is also a message to camera operators!). We would not want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. The purpose of the camera is to help us be more inclusive of everyone in the church, not embarrass people.

But it is a reminder that nothing we do is beyond God's view. That may make us feel uncomfortable or guilty (in which case a quick session of forgiveness-seeking will help us out) but it is actually something that can encourage and bless. Nothing that happens to us goes unnoticed by God. Nothing that upsets us is missed or ignored. Nothing that makes us scream in anguish or frustration leads God to wonder what that was about. So when we come to him in prayer about these things he already knows. It is not a surprise to him. He wants to invite us to pray about them so that we can more consciously involve him in them, we can more overtly acknowledge his presence, we can more readily seek and accept his will.

If or when you come to our church I hope the new technology will enable you to feel more involved, included and better able to participate in the service. God's participating in that too!

Be blessed, be a blessing.

True story (unverified)
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera (never mind all the money there!).

While it was recording.

Remotely.

(That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

adaptability

2011-03-29T09:35:00.000+01:00

Don't you just hate it when you think of something important or significant but can't make a note of it, and when you need to remember that thought all you can remember is that it was important or significant? I have that sensation about this morning's blog entry. I am sure I had a good idea yesterday but did not have the chance to record it, and now I am reduced to blogging about the failure to remember such an important or significant thought.

Still, it's not all wasted. At least it has given me something to blog about!

My experience of God is that he does the same with us. He might have something important or significant that he wants us to do, but we forget it, ignore him or simply refuse to do it. Does that mean we have then blown it? Does that mean that God is going to give up on us? No. He adapts to us. He accommodates his plans to our weakness and goes with a different version of Plan A or even moves to Plan B. That's grace!

As a teenager I can remember being almost paralysed with fear at the idea that God has a specific plan for my life and that I could blow it if I did not follow it specifically. I have come to realise that this is not so. His plans for us are to live as followers of Jesus, to allow his Spirit to change us gently so that we are more like the people he has created us to become. There may be specific moments when he has a specific task that he would like us to carry out, a special calling to follow or something he wants us to say to someone else. But I do not believe that he has a roadmap for my life which I must follow religiously (I use the word advisedly). Rather I believe the analogy is more like he has a destination for me and some places he would like me to visit en route. This is not a free licence to go anywhere and do anything. There are parameters to the journey. There are directions he would not want me to go in and ways he would not want me to drive.

But rather than fret about what they may be, my experience is that I can find the parameters and directions to avoid, the guidance about how to drive in the Bible (his Highway Code, to stretch the analogy to breaking point!). I can discern special moments when his Spirit prompts me in different ways and I find that he usually makes it very clear on those occasions so I can't claim to have missed them, even if I have ignored or disobeyed him.

Enjoy the journey today!

Three men were trekking through a jungle when they came across a violent, raging river. They had no idea how to cross. So the first man decided to pray

'Please, God, give me the strength to cross this river.' Immediately he grew enormous muscles in his arms and legs, and he managed to swim across the river in a couple of hours, nearly drowning twice.

The second man saw this and he prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength AND the tools to cross this river.' A boat appeared from nowhere, and he battled across the river in an hour, nearly capsizing twice.

The third man saw this and prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength, the tools AND the intelligence to cross this river.'

Immediately he turned into a woman. She looked at the map, walked upstream a hundred yards, and crossed over the bridge to the other side.

wood you believe it?

2011-03-28T10:21:00.000+01:00

I had a sense of satisfaction on Saturday after I successfully installed two shelves onto a wall in my study. Not only have they stayed up, but when I put the spirit level on them at the end they were both perfectly level! I am a DIY Expert!

Or not.

I can correctly identify 11 different types of wood: as proved by my victory in the wood recognition test at a recent blokes' carpentry morning. (Those hours watching DIY and carpentry programmes on TV have not been wasted!). I know which end of a hammer to use when hitting nails into something. I still have (and am still using) the wooden book stand that I made at school 30+ years ago.

But these things do not make me an expert. They prove that I managed to follow the shelf-installation instructions correctly. They prove that I have remembered some things I saw on TV. They prove that my woodwork teacher taught me well.

I love making things out of wood, but I don't have the time, the tools, the patience or the skill to do it well. That is why (to my shame) the wooden items I have made and which still remain intact in our house are:

wooden bookstand (as previously described)
small wooden stand (with inside shelf) designed as a small bedside table for my son.
wooden shelves with dividers designed as a homework organiser for my son.
wooden shelves that were mounted on the wall in my daughter's bedroom in a previous house, now floor-standing in her bedroom
wooden framework used in 'sawing a person in half' magic trick

Thankfully some of these will never be seen by anyone with even the remotest amount of skill in carpentry and joinery.

I wonder how Jesus got on in Joseph's workshop? Was he instantly an expert in all sorts of joinery and carpentry or did he have to learn, to improve, to serve an apprenticeship? I suspect it is the latter. He grew in wisdom and knowledge just like the rest of us.

Wouldn't you love to see some of the things he made? Wouldn't it be wonderful if some of his early pieces were as dodgy as some of mine? And what about the later ones, when he had mastered the techniques? Never mind a Chippendale chair, what about an original Jesus BarJoseph?

I am coming full-circle (almost). When we were getting the answers to the wood-recognition test at the Nelson Woodcraft workshop, David told us about the different sorts of wood and you could see the appreciation and knowledge that he had for the different pieces of wood: the inherent beauty and strength contained within them. I suspect Jesus had an even greater appreciation of the wood he was using, since he was in the original design team for the trees!

And he was in the original design team for you and me. He has the greatest possible appreciation for you and me.

Be blessed.

chill

2011-03-25T09:24:00.000Z

Fridge magnet available at Amazon...

In the big scheme of things, this is rather a petty post. We are having a new fridge today. In fact the blokes are bringing it into the house as I type. It was needed because our old one kept freezing everything - things in the fridge bit, not just the freezer. It was being over-zealous. No matter how much we turned it down (as close to 'off' as possible while still being 'on') the fridge kept freezing.

It's a simple thought, but I wonder whether there are things that I am doing zealously for God where he does not want me to overdo it. When has he turned the thermostat down and suggested I 'chill' and instead I am still going all out for 'freeze'? Examples may be the guilt I feel about not visiting enough people in the church, or the sense of responsibility for everything that goes on in the life of the church, or the expectation that I will know everything that is happening.

So, deep breath, relax, sit back and trust that God has got it all under control and does not need me to burn out on his behalf (to change the temperature setting inappropriately).

Bless you!

friend of sinners

2011-03-24T09:26:00.000Z

I am about to launch into preparation for Sunday evening's sermon, which is on the term of abuse that was levelled at Jesus: 'friend of sinners'. As I was thinking about it earlier I had decided what we would use to close the service: the hymn 'Man of sorrows' as I was convinced that it included the phrase 'friend of sinners'.

Man of sorrows! what a name

For the Son of God, who came

Ruined sinners to reclaim!

Hallelujah! what a Saviour!

Bearing shame and scoffing rude,

In my place condemned He stood;

Sealed my pardon with His blood:

Hallelujah! what a Saviour!

Guilty, vile, and helpless, we;

Spotless Lamb of God was He:

Full atonement—can it be?

Hallelujah! what a Saviour!

Lifted up was He to die,

‘It is finished!’ was His cry:

Now in heaven exalted high:

Hallelujah! what a Saviour!

When He comes, our glorious King,

All His ransomed home to bring,

Then anew this song we’ll sing:

‘Hallelujah! what a Saviour!’

Philipp Bliss

I have revised my assumption that the hymn contains the phrase 'Friend of Sinners' but boy O boy, aren't the words of that hymn powerful? The phrase may not be there but the message is: loud and clear. I think we may still close with that hymn.

There's no evidence that Jesus used the phrase 'Friend of Sinners' about himself. It was supposed to be an insult hurled at him by religious people who were scandalised that he was spending time with the wrong sort of people. A good religious person would not defiled themselves by eating with those who were disregarded and ignored by society. It was the religious people who defined those people as 'sinners' because they did not meet their standards and comply with the complex (often human-designed) religious rules and regulations.

It strikes me that if anyone needed a friend, it was those who were rejected by misguided religious people. If anyone needed to know they were valuable it was those who had been discarded. If anyone needed Jesus to spend time with them it was those that the religious people ignored.

Jesus may not have called himself 'Friend of Sinners' but I reckon he loved it when he heard that's the accusation that was being lobbed at him.

So what about us? Yes he is our friend and we have all fallen short of God's standards (ie 'sinners'). But if the religious elite of our day had got it wrong, would they have enough evidence to accuse us of being friends of sinners? Or are we in the elite?

I was looking for a joke about 'sin' (no laughing matter) and my search engine came across this joke. It's not about sin (unless you want to get allegorical) but 'sin' is in it.

The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Did you find the 'sin'?

It's in 'advising'.

in training

2011-03-23T08:59:00.000Z

I have a very busy day ahead of me. I say this not to elicit sympathy but to explain why this blog entry is short. When life is very busy things get squeezed. Commuters will understand this. Imagine life is a train journey. When you are travelling outside peak times there is almost always a seat available, often a double seat and sometimes a double seat at a table. You have the space to spread out, to relax and to take in the view.

When you are travelling at peak times, especially if you join the train half way through its journey, you will struggle to get a seat unless you pre-booked it (and even then you may have to ask someone to vacate it because they sat there in the hope that it would be unclaimed). You may find yourself standing up looking for something to lean against or to hold onto. If it's really busy you don't have to worry about that because there are so many people squashed in that they hold one another up. It's like that on the London Underground. The problem comes when someone in the middle of the carriage wants to get out.

So if you are travelling at peak time in your life, what has got squashed and squeezed? What are you leaning against or holding onto for balance? Is God a variable in your life who can be given less time and space? Or is he a constant and other things have to give?

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. (Ps 46.1)

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

the most powerful word

2011-03-22T12:45:00.000Z

What do you think is the most powerful word in the English language?

Successful?
Awesome?
Magnificent?
Omnipotence?
Determination?
Billionaire?

I have been pondering this recently. Our culture is one in which we are encouraged to assert our rights, be noticed and make sure we are number one (at any cost). I have seen adverts on TV for DVDs and books that will make you successful and powerful. There are people who will tell you that by the power of positive thinking you can do anything and have all your dreams come true*.

But rarely (outside the Bible) is this incredibly powerful word considered:

Grace.

It sounds so... weak, wishy-washy, feeble - certainly in comparison to the words I suggested above. But it is disarming, subversive, unexpected and profound. Not only God's grace we receive - which has overcome sin and overthrown its worst effects - love and forgiveness we do not deserve, but grace we show to others.

When someone is ranting at us do we help by ranting back or can a gracious response disarm?

When someone is seeking to exert their power and will on others will we achieve as much by meeting power with power as we can with a little subversive grace?

When someone is putting into practice all of the self-assertiveness that they have found on a DVD or in a book, can a gracious response unexpectedly puncture pomposity and soften stubbornness?

When someone is over-reacting to something can a little grace help to add perspective?

So what are these gracious responses? Things like:

How can I help you?
Is there anything I can do that will make things better for you?
I am sorry that you are upset.
Please help me to understand what is wrong.
Bless you.
I will be praying for you.

Not quite the grace I meant....
Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism one family thought they had better do something to witness to Jesus. So they invited their neighbours to dinner the following Friday night.

When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home.

So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.

Little Johnny was a bit shy. "I don't know what to say."

There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy's mother.

"Well darling," she said, "just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning."

Obediently, the boy prayed.

"Oh God," he said, "We've got those awful people coming to dinner tonight."

* I can't see how this is possible. Sadly our culture and economy is based on the premise that some people will succeed and that others will be their employees / servants / slaves. We can't all be at the top of that pyramid no matter how much we may wish / dream / visualise it!

BUGB gets mentioned occasionally in this blog

2011-03-18T15:22:00.001Z

I have noticed that the number of hits on my blog increases significantly when it is mentioned on the BUGB daily E-news Sweep email. This often (but not always) coincides with occasions when I mention something specifically related to being a Baptist Christian. This tells me several things:

1. Lots more people read the BUGB E-news Sweep email than read my blog. This is not a problem to me at all. I have no delusions of grandeur or ambitions for world domination.

2. The people who read the links on the BUGB E-news Sweep emails are interested in baptist-related news, ideas and (in my case) daftness. This is possibly because Baptist Christians exist below the media radar unless something goes wrong.

3. The fact that the readership numbers decline after an E-news Sweep mention suggests to me that my blog is not something that attracts that many people. This is also not a problem to me at all. I still have no delusions of grandeur or ambitions for world domination. Indeed I write this blog principally as a means of my own reflections on my life and faith and as a feeble attempt at self-awareness.

Now the thing that fascinates me is whether this blog is sufficiently baptistic to merit a mention in the BUGB E-news Sweep. I think I have mentioned BUGB enough times that sirens will be going off at Baptist House in the Communications Department, but actually this blog entry might be described as 'much ado about nothing' so far.

So I had better add some meat to the gravy with an abrupt and unexpected plot twist.

I am incredibly disheartened at the responses by Christians to Rob Bell's latest book: 'Love Wins'. It has only just been released into the wild yet a lot of people seem to be getting their theological knickers in a twist about it. Presumably they have all had advance copies of the book and read it thoroughly in order to be so vexed about it. [laughs ironically]

I have ordered the book and when it comes I will read it with an open mind. If his views differ from mine I will accept that this is the case and not start saving for a visit to the USA so I can burn the book in front of his church, launch stones through the windows of his house and denounce him as a heretic who will burn in hell.

I suspect that the book will not offend. It will be thoroughly well researched, thoughtfully (if provocatively) written and will inspire a greater appreciation of God. If so, then 'Hallelujah!' If not, then it will be a shame. But I will not give myself a theological wedgy and my doctrinal knickers will remain untwisted.

A while ago Steve Chalke (a Baptist minister [note further mention of Baptists (and another sneaky one) to ingratiate myself with the BUGB (and another!) Comms Dept]) co-authored a book: 'The Lost Message of Jesus'. In it he criticised the western Evangelical emphasis/bias on the 'penal substitution' model of the atonement. He did not declare it unbiblical or wrong, but he criticised how some Christians represent that way of describing what Jesus' death means for us. He used a phrase to describe how that made him feel, which created a furore. And he had had the temerity to suggest that there were other models of the atonement in the Bible that we ought to explore and teach too. No wonder he was verbally lynched. [laughs ironically again, in case you had not picked it up].

I wonder how many of the people who criticised him had read the book from cover to cover. I did. I also had the opportunity to say 'thank you' to Steve Chalke for writing the book and renewing my appreciation of other ways of understanding what Jesus did for me on the cross. So in advance of Amazon delivering my Rob Bell book, 'thank you, Rob'.

Now it may be that by writing this blog some of you will be finding that your ecclesiastical undergarments are becoming constrictive because they are twisting. Please pause, dear reader, and ask yourself if God is big enough to cope with people exploring him (and if he would prefer us to ignore him). Ask yourself if God is strong enough to withstand it when we write about him (even if we get it wrong). Ask yourself why you are so incensed. And if you still have a theological wedgy and your doctrinal knickers are still in a twist, bless you.

rutting

2011-03-17T09:38:00.000Z

Because of busyness today I prepared Sunday morning's sermon yesterday. (Thursday is my preferred preparation day). That has left me feeling slightly bereft this morning. It is not my normal routine and it feels a bit strange. I think I will have to get used to this because my colleague, Lynsey, is now on maternity leave so I will be having a heavier Sunday workload for a while. How do my colleagues in ministry who are sole ministers cope? I have been so privileged to minister in teams!

Anyhoo. Routines. They can be a bad thing. There is apparently a roadsign in some parts of Africa (or Alaska, or Australia depending on what you read - it just has to be somewhere that begins and ends with 'a') that reads 'Choose your rut carefully as you will be in it for some time.' This sounds like an apocryphal story (but if anyone has a photo of such a sign I would love a copy). However the message is appropriate. We can find ourselves in a rut, just carrying on with the same activity without thinking about whether it is helpful, or if it is still what God wants us to be doing. This can be true of us as individuals as well as churches. It can be true of bad habits. It can be distracting and destructive from our calling to follow Jesus and make him known as we take our eyes off him and carry on unthinkingly.

But they can also be healthy. I was chatting with someone this week about daily Bible readings. The date thing can be quite guilt-inducing if 'Every Day With Jesus' has turned into 'Every Other Day With Jesus'. We feel that we have let him down and the date could even be a discouragement because we may not want to be reminded of our failure so we leave the book closed. But, my colleague pointed out, if we can get into a daily routine there is a flow and a rhythm to our engagement with God. It does not have to be legalistic but it can be so beneficial because we naturally turn to the Bible each day rather than having to remember to do so.

I receive two emails each day. One is from Wordlive (Scripture Union) and the other from Kore. Both are free to subscribe to and both provide me with a routine of Bible reading. The Wordlive email has thoughts and links to other reflections and activities on their website. The Kore Red Letter Days email simply has some words of Jesus. I am also working my way through the E100 Bible readings. These are supposed to be the essential 100 passages in the Bible which, if you read them, will give you a good overview of the whole Bible narrative. This is something I can access from my phone. (Other Bible reading routines are available!)

So what's your routine?

I don't believe it

2011-03-16T10:21:00.000Z

Sometimes you have to stop and throw your hands up. In a moment I want to make some comments about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, but first I want to scream at the screen "WHY?" Not "WHY?" about the earthquake, tsunami, suffering and death but about this news story:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12756366

British bureaucracy has prevented a team of rescue experts from helping out. I hope we are proud.

OK, rant over.

So what are we to make of what has happened? Well the first thing to say is that if it does not drive us to our knees in lament and intercession there is something seriously wrong. One of the things that evangelicals seem to have lost in our search for certainty is the ability to lament to God and tell him exactly how we feel. He is big enough to take our questions, our doubts, our anger and all the rest of the things churning around within us in the face of such devastation. Have you told him?

The second is to point out that God is not immune from suffering either. He experienced devastating emotional pain when Jesus cried out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" in the face of his impending separation from his eternal relationship with his Father. God experienced bereavement when Jesus cried out "It is finished!" and died. And God is not remote and watching us from a distance. He loves every single person on this planet.

So how could he allow this to happen? Surely if he loved those people in Japan he would have saved them? This is taking us into the deep and dark language of theodicy - how come a benevolent omnipotent God allows evil things to happen? I believe that in the immediate aftermath of such a disaster these questions need to be articulated honestly but not necessarily answered. Short answers can seem trite and unsatisfactory and longer answers are irrelevant when prayers need praying and action needs taking.

This does not mean that there are no answers. There are clues towards them in Jesus' death and resurrection (hope in the face of death); in the good that rises in the face of evil (such as the intention of the rescue team in the story above); in the way that the world has to be to allow free will and the possibility of human rebellion; in the sin of people that leads to disastrous decisions (building a slum in an area prone to landslides because it is the only cheap land around); in evil as a cosmic force not just a personal problem...

There are no easy answers, which is why it is often called a 'mystery'.

The nature of God as seen in Jesus in the face of suffering leads me back to him rather than to answers. When crowds of suffering people came to him, Jesus 'had compassion' on them. In Greek the word is 'splanchizomai'. It describes a physical gut-level response. Jesus was affected by human suffering. He still is. God is far from indifferent to human suffering. He does not have an easy answer to the problem either.

fishy business

2011-03-15T08:57:00.001Z

Very soon I will be leaving our house in the company of Stew the Rabbit (pictured on my home page) to take an assembly at a local Primary School. Their theme is 'special symbols' and with Stew I will be talking about ichthus and crosses.

I have blogged before about ichthus fish symbols on cars but it has saddened me today as I have reflected that in the early days of the Christian Church, when people's lives were at risk, the ichthus symbol was a secret sign of their faith and now has been reduced to a bumper sticker.

Why, in a free country, do we keep our faith secret by using the ichthus symbol? Surely we should shout it out joyfully rather than adopting the secret symbol that only those 'in the know' will recognise.

I felt a bit judgemental at that point until I realised that there are occasions when I adopt an ichthus approach in conversations with people. I am coy about what I do. I don't naturally speak about my faith in the same way that I talk about my family or even my favourite football team.

Oops.

A man was stopped by the gamekeeper leaving a private lake. He had with him two buckets of fish.

The gamekeeper asked the man: 'Do you have a license to catch all those fish?'

The man replied to the gamekeeper: 'No, sir. These are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?' the gamekeeper replied.

'Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around. After a while, I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them back home again.'

'That's a bunch of hogwash! Fish can't do that!' was the outburst from the gamekeeper.

The man looked at the gamekeeper for a moment, and then said: 'Here, I'll show you. It really works.'

'O.K. I've GOT to see this!' The gamekeeper was curious now.

The man poured the two buckets of fish into the lake and stood and waited

After several minutes, the gamekeeper turned to the man and said, 'Well?'

'Well, what?' the man responded.

'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?' The man asked.

'The FISH.' the gamekeeper said.

'What fish?' The man asked.

behind the scenes

2011-03-14T08:44:00.000Z

The changes to the interior of our church are under way. The first phase has been completed. The pulpit is gone and the platform strengthened, with a backdrop to conceal the identity of the organist (or something like that). Comments on Sunday were very positive.

The wrong sort of blackbird!

The thing that most people did not know is that the work was inspected by a bird on Friday. Somehow a blackbird got into the church building and could not find its way out. It was zooming around and perching on different parts of the interior. I was a bit worried it might leave evidence of its visit in inaccessible places, and very worried when it decided to perch on one of our organ pipes.

In the end I opened a skylight window in the corridor next to the balcony and gently coaxed it towards the open window. Thankfully it decided to use the exit and I rushed across to close the skylight before it changed its mind. It seems that it left no permanent evidence of its visit as nobody mentioned anything yesterday.

Several disparate thoughts came to mind. One was a memory - at the Baptist Assembly in Bournemouth a number of years ago a pigeon got into the auditorium and flew around while we were sharing communion. Holy Spirit analogies came to mind.

The second thought was how difficult it was to get rid of. I could only coax it in the right direction and hope that it chose the right way out. Is that how God feels about us? He doesn't force us to do anything. He may have a good idea of what is best for us, he might give us some hints, he might encourage us in the right direction, but ultimately whether we do or not is down to us.

The video seems appropriate at this stage.

Is that equivalent to coaxing blackbirds out of skylights?

when in doubt...

2011-03-11T09:32:00.000Z

I think my favourite Old Testament personality is Elijah. I'm not sure what made me think of that, but he is. It's because he is so... human.

One minute he is on a spiritual high - confronting false gods and royalty, the next he is running for his life. He is even petulant with God.

Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." (1Ki 19:3-4)

"I have had enough, LORD." The two halves of that sentence are incompatible.

When God ministered to him on Mount Horeb he told Elijah to go out of the cave and stand on the mountain because he was about to allow Elijah to witness his incredible presence. But Elijah stayed in the cave! It was only when the maelstrom outside had calmed to the 'sound of sheer silence' that Elijah ventured to the mouth of the cave.

And even that failed to shake Elijah from his misery. It was not so much that he saw the glass as half-empty, he felt like the glass had been smashed to smithereens.

But God offered him a new task (which he failed to do) and a companion (Elisha).

There are difficult and dark times for all of us in life. There are times when we doubt our faith, when we question whether God is in control, when we wonder if it is worth it, when we have had enough, LORD.

On those occasions I find Elijah strangely comforting. God dealt gently with him when he was fragile. He did not yell at him and tell him to pull himself together. He understood what Elijah needed to carry on and offered it to him.

If in doubt, look at 1 Kings 19

underwhelmed by Jesus

2011-03-10T09:48:00.000Z

On Sunday evenings at our church we are exploring names of God. This Sunday I have the joy of preaching on the name 'Jesus'. I was really looking forward to this and happily pulled loads of reference books off my shelves expecting to be overwhelmed by the amount of information about the name 'Jesus'.

I was certainly surprised. But it was because there is almost nothing. Even in the 'Dictionary of Jesus and the Gospels' there was nothing about the name 'Jesus'! I had to rely on brief paragraphs in my commentaries on the passages in Matthew and Luke when angels announce to Mary and Joseph that they are to call their miracle baby 'Jesus'. I was underwhelmed by the lack of information about the name of Jesus.

I have over 700 books on my shelves and yet there is almost nothing about the name of our Saviour (there's a clue there to the meaning of his name)! We know so much else about him from the gospels but only a limited amount about his name. Is it because there is not much to say? Does this mean a two-minute sermon on Sunday evening?

But then the floodgates opened. Suddenly there were lots of ideas and thoughts about the meaning of the name Jesus and what it means for us today. You will have to check out our service this Sunday evening (or the church website for an MP3 of the sermon next week) if you want to know what came out of it.

In contemporary Britain the name 'Jesus' is even more common than it was in his day. It is on lots of people's lips as an exclamation. How often is it on my lips for more positive reasons?

A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his torch on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.

He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all."

The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"

"Moses."

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same sort of stupid people who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

footprints

2011-03-09T10:06:00.000Z

I was thinking earlier this morning [sound of readers fainting in surprise] and for some reason the phrase 'leave nothing behind except your footprints' came to my mind. Psychologists may have fun with analysing that but I want to lead you along my train of thought that came from that starting point.

The phrase is one which is used to describe how we should treat the countryside when walking through it or camping in it. In other words take all your rubbish with you, leave no human-made objects behind you and minimise the impact on the environment to that which will soon fade naturally.

I realise that it is not intended as a description of our life, but I sometimes wonder if sometimes I live in the same way - leaving nothing behind me except my footprints. Most of us want to be remembered when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, and I guess most of us want to be remembered fondly. But what will be our legacy? Not financial, but what difference will our lives have made?

I think this is where it links to yesterday's blog. How many people will give thanks to God because we led them to him? How many people will be in heaven because of us? How many people will give thanks to God because we were his hands and feet and voice and hug and encouragement and cook and shopper and gardener and chauffeur and ... and ... and...

This is not so we can have a great eulogy at our funeral or so there will have to be a full-page spread in the paper to print our obituary. It is about making a difference in the name of Jesus so people will say how wonderful he is.

Footprints

WARNING - if the 'footprints in the sand' reflection / poem is precious to you I would advise you to stop reading this blog at this point and re-read 'footprints in the sand' instead for your edification and encouragement. Reading on will probably ruin it for you.

OK?

Still here?

You have been warned.

A man had a dream. In his dream he saw himself walking along a beach. He looked back and saw footprints in the sand behind him and realised that he was looking at his life stretching out behind him. He saw all of the major events in his life.

As he looked he realised that alongside his footprints there was another set of footprints that belonged to Jesus - his constant companion.

He looked closer and realised that there were occasions when instead of two sets of footprints in the sand there was only one set of footprints.

The man turned to Jesus and asked, "Lord, why are there times when there is only one set of footprints? Is that because you were carrying me?"

Jesus turned to him and smiled. "My son," he said, "that's when we were hopping!"

Keep on hopping with Jesus :-D

you heard about it here first

2011-03-08T10:01:00.000Z

On 1 February this year I mused on my blog about what would happen if there was a transfer window system for Ministerial moves. I have another idea which may be a brilliant TV show. (I will tithe my royalties to BUGB Home Mission). When it comes on your TV screen as the next 'reality' show, remember where you saw it first.

DISCLAIMER: Any similarities to the ways in which churches actually choose their ministers in real reality is hopefully unlikely, is coincidental but would be very sad.

This was inspired (?) by watching the US version of The Apprentice last night. Other than being mesmerised by Donald Trump's hair (is that the world's biggest combover?) I was amazed at the way in which the would-be apprentices fought so hard to out-do their colleagues or run them down.

So... what about a Ministerial Settlement version of the Apprentice? We could get a dozen ministers who are looking to settle into a new church and set them a series of challenges each week. Each week the church in question would hold a church meeting and get rid of the candidate that was weakest.

who's for the chop first?

Challenges could include: setting out an evangelism strategy for the church; carrying out a community survey; preaching on obscure passages; conducting pastoral visits to awkward church members (they could be acting if insufficiently cranky to make good TV viewing); explaining the Trinity to four-year-olds; baptising in icy water; changing the colour of the church tea cups; working a seventy-five hour week; and the finale would be judged on how many people became Christians during the show.

The last challenge came to me last night as I was contemplating this blog in the early hours (when I wanted to be asleep) and remembered hearing of Charles Spurgeon and the question he asked all would-be trainee ministers. He would ask them how many people they had brought to Christ. If the answer was 'none' he would send them away as unacceptable.

That is a sobering thought, since all of us are called to be ministers wherever Jesus has placed us.

So what about the denouement of each show - the moment when the church meeting gets rid of the weakest candidate? It's a shame we are not a robe-wearing denomination, otherwise each week instead of being 'fired' the individual who is leaving could be declared 'surplice to requirements' and be defrocked. So how about they are told, "You're not required!" or "You're undesired!" or "You're unadmired!"

And the name of the show?

How about: "The Injustice" or "The Bad Practice" or "The Prejudice" or (my preference) "The Disservice"

One final question: Where's seeking God in all the razzmatazz?

going, going...

2011-03-07T12:48:00.000Z

Happy New Week!

Work has begun today on removing the pulpit from our church and reconstructing the platform so it is solid and we won't fall through it. This is part of a project that we believe will make it easier for people to see what is going on at the front of the church, including a video camera that will show what is happening on strategically placed screens. I am wondering if it is possible to show people who are asleep, doodling, chatting or eating sweets - it might make for some interesting Youtube clips!

While removing the pulpit our lovely friends at Nelson Woodcraft found three time capsules under the floor. When I first heard that I was intrigued. I thought it would be really interesting to see what people from hundreds of years ago had put in a time capsule for us to discover.

However the capsules were only put there in 2000, and have labels on them asking people not to open them until 2100AD. Ah. there is still a temptation to explore them and then replace everything, but I have not given it to that. They will be kept safe during the work and then carefully replaced to wait another 89 years. I hope that in 2100 someone does realise that they are there, and that the contents (whatever they are) will be interesting, give an insight into the life of people in our church in 2000, and might also make them smile.

I am assuming that in the capsules are some books, photographs and descriptions of life in Colchester in 2000. I wonder if those who open the capsules will giggle that we used books rather than have everything displayed electronically on our clothes? Will they laugh at photographs that are printed on paper rather than holographic 3D projections with which we can interact? Will they snigger at the idea that we drive cars rather than fly around in personal rocket packs?

Or would they laugh at those thoughts? Will books still survive? Will we still print out photographs? Will we still be earthbound in our personal transportation?

I hope and pray that there will be some things the same. I hope and pray that the Bible is as important to them as it is to us (in whatever format they read it). I hope and pray that they will still interact with God in prayer. I hope and pray that God's Spirit will still move and inspire them. Most of all I hope and pray that the good news of Jesus will have flourished in the town and in the country. Of course if that is to happen, it needs to start now. With me. With us. With our own personal renovation.

Two carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second carpenter got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

ring ring, ring ring

2011-03-04T09:22:00.000Z

I have an interesting task ahead of me today. I have been asked to bless someone's new ring. It's not a wedding ring. I think it is a ring that they wear to bring them good luck. What to do? All sorts of theological issues are raised.

It reminds me of an occasion when I was on a two week hospital chaplaincy course. 'Nev the Rev' (the chaplain who was running the course) started off by telling us all about something that had happened to him. He had been walking down a ward, wearing his clerical collar (and other clothes!) when a lady called him over. She explained that she and her sister (the patient in bed) were Spiritualists and asked if Neville would pray for her.

Neville stopped his story and said, "What would you do?" He gave us a while to discuss the appropriate response. I should say at this point that all of us were theological students at Spurgeon's College (Vicar Factory). We came up with all sorts of Bible verses, theological objections and different reasons why we should not pray for her.

Finally, when we had demonstrated our theological orthodoxy and exhausted our evangelical zeal, we asked Neville what he did.

He told us that he sat down with the sisters. He held their hands. And...

...

[tension builds]

...

... he prayed God's blessing on them both.

Psssssshhhhhhhhhhhwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeee [sound of theological egos being punctured]

Of course that's the right thing to have done! It's the Jesus way of doing things.

So what I am going to do today? What would you do? What would Jesus do?

[leaves story dangling for dramatic effect and self-reflection]

Hospital-related story
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

apologies to St Francis!

2011-03-03T09:48:00.000Z

I have been considering a song or hymn to follow my sermon on 'patience' (see yesterday's blog) on Sunday morning. There were several candidates but in the end I went for 'Blessed assurance' which is a great old hymn. The verses are relevant to what I think I will be saying, but the chorus goes:

"This is my story, this is my song: praising my Saviour all the day long."

That is a brilliant summary of what it means to be a follower of Jesus. My life should be one long song or story that praises him, which points people in his direction and says, 'he's amazing, isn't he?' I want to amend St Francis of Assissi's famous (or attributed) saying, "At all times and in all ways preach the gospel. If necessary use words." I hope he won't mind.

"At all times and in all ways praise Jesus. If necessary use words."

I will try to do that in the way I drive, in the way I relate to people, in the prayers I pray, in the conversations I have, in the activities I do. Whatever I do I will try to do as an act of worship to Jesus. I think this will have several side-benefits. One is that it means I will be more consciously serving and praising him during the day, making it more difficult to slip. A second is that I should be nicer to be around. A third is that I will always be doing my best.

The following hymns have been adapted for those who are teenagers four times over:

Precious Lord, Take My Hand . . . And Help Me Up
It Is Well with My Soul . . . But My Knees Hurt
Just a Slower Walk with Thee
Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
Go Tell It on the Mountain . . . But Speak Up
Blessed Insurance
Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah . . . I've Forgotten Where I Parked

about what doctors have lots of*

2011-03-02T10:04:00.000Z

the fruit of the Supermarket is apples, bananas, pears, lemons, melons...

Today I am preparing a sermon for Sunday morning. It's part of a series we are on at present looking at the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Sunday morning's theme is 'patience'. I am aware that this is at present one of the less well-developed fruits in my life.

I find myself feeling impatient when driving behind someone who is going slower than is necessary (below the speed limit). I found myself feeling impatient on Saturday when I was looking for something I could not find. I find myself impatient when my internet connection is running slow. When I have ordered something that is being delivered I am impatient when waiting for its arrival.

But I am not convinced that this entirely the patience that God's Spirit is growing within me. It's a manifestation of it, certainly, but there's more to in than that. If you are planning to be at our church on Sunday morning and intend to listen to the sermon you may like to stop now as some of what I share may end up in the sermon. Unless of course you can't wait!!

When Miles Coverdale translated the Bible into English in 1535 he had to invent a word to try to translate the Greek word that we usually translate as 'patience'. The word he invented is 'longsuffering'. It's the opposite of 'short-tempered'. It's a spiritual experience that has its roots in descriptions of God as 'slow to anger'. It is part of his character that is being brought to fruition in us. But it manifests itself in how we respond to those around us.

God's patience means that when we see things from his perspective we realise that most things can wait for the proper time. It means that we can stick things out because God is with us. It means we have the courage to keep going when times are tough. It means we see others as God sees them - so how can we be angry about that?

How do we get that sort of patience? By asking God for it, by allowing him to change us and by seeing people and circumstances as he sees them.

"Yes please, Lord... (in your time)"

A husband and wife are on holiday at the seaside. They have been having a meal and when it finishes they realise it is pouring with rain outside. The husband gallantly goes off to get the car so his wife will not get too wet.

She waits for the five minutes it should have taken for him to come back. Nothing.

She waits for ten more minutes. Nothing.

She waits for fifteen more minutes, getting a bit anxious. Finally he turns up at the door, soaking wet.

"The car won't start," he said.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"The carburettor is flooded with water," he says.

"Are you sure?" she asks. "I know it's raining heavily but that sounds a bit drastic!"

"There is definitely water in the carburettor," insists the husband.

"Well I want to have a look," says the wife. "Where's the car?"

"Erm," says the husband sheepishly, "I accidentally reversed it into the sea."

*come on - patients!

eclectricity

2011-03-01T09:15:00.000Z

We had an interesting experience at our church last night. In one room we had a meeting of Christian Bikers, in another we had a meeting for the team leading our interior renovations, in another there was a training session for youth and children's leaders and in the hall lots of people were playing carpet bowls. There were not many free rooms. It's such an eclectic mix!

I hope that it is reflective of the mixture of interests, activities and people at our church. I can remember at Vicar-Factory being told of the Homogenous Unit Principle, which could be summarised as 'birds of a feather flock together'. The idea is that churches will grow fastest and best if they are aimed at one subculture. That may be true from a purely sociological point of view but, to put it simply, YUCK!

Church is not about monoculture but is a blend of ages, experience, faith levels, interests, ideas, preferences, talents, genders, ethnicity and so on. In short it is for all people. That makes it a bit messy and means that we all need to be willing to accept that our preferences may not be those of others. It is not about compromise, but about grace. It is about covenanted commitment to one another as a community of people who are trying to follow Jesus. It is about wanting God's blessing for others rather than just for me. It is about recognising that we are blessed by one another.

I react badly to suggestions that church is about our preferences. That is not simply a knee-jerk reaction, but is based on my belief that first and foremost we should be seeking God's kingdom, not trying to build something that we like. A church based on the preferences of some is also more likely to turn into a HUP church (heaven forbid!). I have been in situations that have not been my own personal preference and felt uncomfortable and found myself with a choice - disengage because I am disgruntled or engage and discover that God speaks through those experiences too. He is not limited to speaking to me only through my preferred songs, Bible translation, preachers...

One Sunday morning, the minister told the congregation that he was going to say a series of words, and he wanted them to sing the song that came to mind, when he said each word.

The first word he said was 'rock' They immediately started singing 'Rock of Ages.'

The second word he said was 'name' and they sang 'Lord, I lift your name on high.'

The third word was 'cross' and they began singing 'The Old Rugged Cross.'

The fourth word he said was 'eyes' and they sang, 'Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.'

Finally, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, the Minister said, "Sex". Everyone gasped and then it got very quiet. Finally, way in the back of the church an 87 yr old lady stood up and started gently singing, "Memories."

should have gone to [a certain brand of opticians whose name I will not use as I am not being paid for advertising on this blog, but now you are thinking of them so I have failed in trying not to mention them]

2011-02-28T11:13:00.000Z

I have just come back from an eye test. I can remember the days when you just had to look at some letters on the wall and the optician would shine a torch in your eyes to have a quick look. Today's experience was a high-tech equivalent of a medieval torture! I had air puffed into my eyes (to check pressure?), dye put in, eyelids pulled around, photographs taken of the retina (with a flash) and other uncomfortable experiences.

I trust the opticians and assume that all of these 'tests' told them important things about my eyes. But it felt that some of the tests could not possibly have told them something useful and I wondered whether at least one of them was simply just for fun - something that the opticians laugh about together when the customers / clients / patients / punters have gone home.

The end result is that my eyes are okay at the moment, that my contact lenses are the right prescription, and that I should update my glasses so that they are the same prescription as my contact lenses. I have also realised that close-up reading is more difficult with my contact lenses in or my glasses on, and was told that it is a consequence of getting older. Don't they know that I have got a year younger recently (see link)?

All this talk of eye tests has made a connection in my mind between one of Paul's letters and Ezekiel. I am sure you know what I am talking about.

For the benefit of those who have just woken up and can't make the obvious connection...

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
(1Co 13:12)

Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking.

(Eze 1:28)

Still not sure? Paul was writing about how we don't see the whole picture. Mirrors in his day were not the shiny perfectly reflecting items we have today, they would have given a fair picture but it would also have been distorted, with imperfections in the glass. This side of glory we can't see God's plans fully.

Ezekiel had an amazing vision (read the whole of chapter 1 if you want) and at the end of it he tells us that his description of it is of the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. Not the Lord, not his glory, not the likeness of his glory, but the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD (thanks to Glen Marshall for pointing this out last week). That alone caused him to fall flat on his face.

Our God is more than we can imagine, understand, conceive or know. But he has made himself knowable in Jesus. The incarnation is more than a 'quart into a pint pot' illusion, it is God limiting himself so that we can understand him, get to know him and experience him without falling flat on our faces.

Makes you shiver, doesn't it?

Two friends go out to a club. One friend with a wooden eye says that he's nervous about girls making fun of him. His friend tells him not to worry.

When they get into the club, the wounded friend eventually gets up enough courage to ask a girl if she'd like to dance.

Excited, she says, "Would I?!"

Disciple: baffled, but willing to be led

2011-02-24T09:12:00.000Z

Hello again bloggists. I have returned to the blogcave and am ready to release more random thoughts into the wild.

not actually chairs at the conference venue
- these look more comfortable!

I have been at the Eastern Baptist Association Ministers' Conference. It was a real blessing. We were fed well physically (cooked breakfasts are always welcome) and spiritually. I was especially blessed by Glen Marshall's sessions which had a title that was almost longer than the talks. Through exposing (expositing?) passages in Ezekiel, Deuteronomy and Acts we found ourselves refreshed, inspired, encouraged and challenged.

I loved Glen's definition that he wanted to make into T-shirts: "Disciple... baffled, but willing to be led". That describes how I often feel. Baffled that God would call me to do what he has called me to do. Baffled that he loves me unconditionally. Baffled at his grace. Baffled that other people find things I say (and occasionally that I blog) to be helpful. Baffled at... [insert many other options here]. Glen did say that he thought he ought to copyright that phrase, but since he hasn't I will use it, but give him credit!

The Conference blessed in other ways, with talks by Bob Payne (Vicar in Bishops Stortford (what is a 'stortford', why would a bishop own one, and why would you name a place after the fact that a bishop owned a stortford?)), plenty of encouraging and enjoyable conversations with fellow ministers and their partners, and some time and space to reflect, relax and recreate (see Monday!).

Several things are still resonating with me. One is something that picked up from where I started on Monday morning. The idea that praying, reading my Bible and spending time with God are Urgent and Important was reinforced for me. Another was a reminder to be intentional about how we as a church engage with people with the good news of Jesus. Yes, we should be good news, but we should also be ready to share the good news. A third (linked to that) is the thought that perhaps there are occasions to use story-telling as a way of engaging people with the good news of Jesus. A fourth (linked to the second and third) is a reminder that a while ago I was planning to organise a Colchester Magic Club for anyone who was interested in it. I must get around to that... A fifth (linked to 2, 3 and 4) was a reminder that I was also planning to do some street magic outside our church to entertain and bless (and maybe baffle) passers-by.

These conferences are great, but I do come back buzzing with ideas that need time and space to reflect on and implement...

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

prioritising priorities

2011-02-21T11:42:00.001Z

I can remember a lecture at the Vicar Factory where I trained (the awesome Spurgeon's College if you are interested). That statement may surprise you for two reasons: one is that I can remember a lecture, the second is that I actually am trained.

Anyhoo... the lecture was in my final year when we were learning some of the practical aspects of being a minister and we were exploring how we prioritise. We were shown a matrix with four words - urgent, important, non-urgent and unimportant. The advice was to deal with things in the following order... urgent and important, non-urgent and important, urgent and unimportant and non-urgent and unimportant. It is sound advice.

But it doesn't always work in practice. If I focus on the urgent and important I may well spend my whole life reacting to events and working up against deadlines. I will find myself running around doing worthy things but feeling that I am not in control. There is a time and a place to stop, set aside the urgent and important and simply rest in God's presence, relax in a bath or watch a film with friends (probably not a good idea to try to do all three at once!). This is what God means by recreation. We all need time and space to be re-created, to chill, to breathe gently and to be blessed.

possibly only funny
if you have seen the film,
watch EastEnders and
know about old-style printers...

I am conscious of that this week as I am going to a three-day Ministers' Conference where I hope to receive, re-charge and recreate. One thing that this could mean is that five days of work will need to be crammed into two days at the end of the week. That is if I allow myself to be dominated by the matrix. But sometimes we need to realise that the matrix is not the only reality (see what I did there?) and place a priority on us receiving as well as giving.

Of course such things as recreation are urgent and important, but if we are honest we know that somehow they don't seem like that to us or to others.

By the way, I am hoping to carry on blogging at the Conference if they have wifi but please forgive me if there are a couple of blank days...

2011-02-19T04:41:00.001Z

Another sign that I am getting older. I was sure I was 45 until a friend wished me a happy palindromic birthday. Took me a while to work out that 2011 - 1967 = 44. D'oh!

Campus motto: Bottoms up Mac
Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned
He did, eh
Lived on Decaf; faced no Devil
and more at http://www.palindromelist.net/ (that's the website not another palindrome, but wouldn't it have been awesome if I had been able to make this sentence palindromic?)

getting older

2011-02-18T09:00:00.000Z

Yesterday I was leading a devotional thought for the folk who come to our lunch club for the elderly. I was going to begin with a few jokes about getting older:

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Bob Hope: "She said she was approaching forty - I couldn't help wondering from what direction."

The good news about middle age is that the glass is still half full. The bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Middle age is when you choose your breakfast cereal because of its fibre content rather than the free toy.

Cliff Richard went to an old people's home to host a sing-along. He was surprised that none of the residents recognised him. He went up to an old lady and said, "Excuse me, but do you have any idea who I am?"
"Sorry dear," said the old lady. "But if you ask one of the nurses they'll tell you."

The joke was on me, though, because I forgot to take my notes with me!

I was musing about why we celebrate birthdays. I suspect that it is partly that we are celebrating that we have been born; partly a celebration of that person by friends and family; partly a recognition that we have successfully managed to complete another free trip around the sun; partly a recognition that God has made us and we are grateful to him.

In the end I think it comes back to an attitude of gratitude. We are grateful for all of those things.

In Alice In Wonderland the Mad Hatter and his friends are celebrating an 'unbirthday' party. There can be 364 unbirthdays (365 in leap years) every year in which we can be grateful for those around us; for our existence and for God's goodness to us. We don't have to wait for the anniversary of our entry into the world.

Happy unbirthday to you - nurture that attitude of gratitude!

intro-speck-tion

2011-02-17T10:06:00.000Z

My eye is irritated at the moment. I usually wear contact lenses and it feels like there is a tiny bit of grit or something else under the lens. The contact lens-wearers out there will be empathising with me right now. Those of you who don't wear them can't really understand.

It was quite funny, therefore, that my daily bible reading this morning included Jesus using the example of someone with a plank in their own eye trying to help someone else get a speck of dust out of their eye. It's another of his funny images using hyperbole (exaggeration) to get a laugh. Can you imagine someone wandering around oblivious to the plank of wood in their own eye but worried about the speck in someone elses? It's ridiculous.

But it happens.

It happens when I am ready to criticise someone else without examining myself first. It happens when I am annoyed by something someone else has said or done and I have not stopped to think why they have said or done that thing, merely reacted at how it affected me. It can happen at any place and any time. Before I know it I can be busy worrying about someone or something else without first considering myself. That is one of the things blogging does for me - it makes me stop and consider the health of my relationship with Jesus.

So what should you do if someone comes up to you with a plank in their eye while worrying about a speck in your eye? Grace. Grace. Grace. Grace. Otherwise the speck may grow in size quite rapidly and before you know it there's a whole woodworking workshop in there!

Vaguely dust-related joke...
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty [there it is!], old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million pounds!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

out of our depth?

2011-02-16T09:42:00.000Z

"Don't go out of your depth!"

I can still vividly remember that repeated injunction from my parents when we went to the swimming pool or the beach. The rule was that I was always supposed to be able to put my feet down on the bottom of the pool or the sea bed and still be able to keep my head above water. That was a wise rule for someone who was not a strong swimmer. (I was limited to doggy paddle, a weak breaststroke and a couple of strokes of front crawl. I was such a weak swimmer that when I did my 10 yards certificate at primary school my body was so low in the water that it looked like I was walking. (I wasn't!))

But the instruction not to go out of my depth meant that I was frequently stopping to check that I could still touch the bottom while keeping my head above water. I was worried about what would happen if I accidentally strayed out of my depth. That does not help with encouraging confidence, consistency in swimming or endurance.

You're probably well ahead of me at this point (definitely if we were swimming!). I think that Christian leaders can often consciously or unconsciously give the same message to the people in our churches. "Don't go out of your depth!"

"Don't try something new or different in case people do not like it."

"Don't start talking to someone about Jesus in case they ask you a question you can't answer."

"Don't admit to having doubts."

"Don't ask why it seems that God doesn't always answer your prayers."

"Don't invite people to come with you to a normal church service, they may not like it. Wait until we do something special."

And so on. I hope that I have never consciously said any of the above. But can people sometimes pick up those messages from me? Do I always play it safe, suggesting that others should not try something different? Do I present an image that I have all the answers and never have doubts, disempowering people who know they don't have all the answers and who may have doubts? Do I ever admit that God has not always answered my prayers in the ways that I want, or that sometimes it even feels that they bounce back off the ceiling? By promoting special events at church and encouraging people to invite friends do I sometimes also give the message that 'normal' services are not for inviting friends to?

If so, then I am sorry. By reading this blog I hope you will realise that I am incredibly fallible, don't have all the answers and am simply seeking to be the best free sample of Jesus I can, empowered by God's Spirit. Do I need to be more honest? Yes and no. People need to know that I am normal (just talk to my family if you are under any illusions that I am some sort of super-Christian!) but also need to know that I am confident in Jesus and in following him. It's a difficult balance to strike and I know I err on the side of caution. Perhaps I need to go out of my depth a bit more.

Teacher: "How do you spell 'pneumatic'?"
Pupil: "N E U M A T I C"
Teacher: "Isn''t there a letter missing?"
Pupil: [thinks] "Oh yes! There's a silent P like in swimming!"

you drink your coffee, I sip my tea...*

2011-02-15T09:44:00.000Z

I like coffee. That statement will not be a surprise to anyone who knows me. I don't like tea. That is a lesser-known fact about me. My wife, Sally, likes tea. She does not like coffee. I think that this means we are ideally-suited in our beverage consumption as it means we can each choose our favourite (fairly traded) tea and coffee and not upset the other at all.

There is one way in which this difference of preference causes a dissonance. When we are out and about and decide to stop for a beverage break I will choose to have coffee and Sally chooses tea. Usually that means that she is supplied with a small teapot, a small milk jug and (sometimes) a pot of hot water to top up the teapot. That (apparently) is the right way to make tea. But it takes so much longer than simply drinking the cup of coffee put in front of me. There are usually at least two cups of tea available to Sally in the teapot whereas (unless I have struck gold and found somewhere with a 'bottomless coffee pot') I am limited to the contents of the cup in front of me.

I confess that I am sometimes a little impatient as Sally completes the tea-making ceremony for the second time and I am staring at the bottom of an empty coffee cup. Sally is gracious about this but still feels that it is right not to waste any tea and consume both cups.

I could drink twice as slowly as Sally so we finish together.

I could order a second cup of coffee.

I could change my drinking habits and start liking tea so we could drink together.

I could learn patience.

I need to find ways of accommodating Sally's preferences in my own preferences. This may involve me changing how I do things. This may involve sacrifice (tea drinking, for example). I try to do these things because I love her and do not want her to feel a pressure to drink quicker or leave tea behind (almost pun intended).

So in what ways in the rest of life and in the life and mission of our church are we prepared to demonstrate God's love by changing, adapting, sacrificing in order that others, especially those who are newcomers, may be included and involved without being made to feel that they have to change too much to belong to us? I am not suggesting we compromise our core beliefs, but are there attitudes and behaviour that we have elevated to the level of core beliefs?

I know of a church where a young couple came on an Alpha course and were welcomed with open arms. They started attending church services and were welcomed with open arms. But they were living together and were not married. The Minister went to speak to them about this, saying that they should marry or stop living together if they were to continue to come to church.

Core beliefs? Attitudes? Behaviour? What would Jesus have done? What would I do? What would you do?

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: “Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?”

Sartre replied, “Yes, I’d like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream”.

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, “I’m sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream — how about with no milk?”

*The opening line to "Will you?" by Hazel O'Connor, which is a favourite song of ours.

Be my valentine?

2011-02-14T13:12:00.000Z

St Valentine's Day could be a celebration of love, a reminder to express appreciation for others and a moment to be blessed and be a blessing. I fear it is becoming an opportunity for the exploitation of couples by commercial pressures, an excuse to sell more cards, flowers and chocolates and an occasion that exacerbates loneliness, isolation and low self-worth.

Am I becoming cynical, paranoid or sensitive? It may be all three!

The problem is that any celebration will exclude some people. Non-Christians can be excluded by Christmas or Easter (although it does not seem to bother the majority of the present and chocolate-egg buying public). Non-parents can feel excluded on Mothering Sunday. Those who are not invited to a birthday party may feel excluded (even though we can't invite everyone).

I guess the issues are whether we deliberately exclude someone and whether we make sure we minimise the hurt felt. Jesus was a great includer, and invites us to follow his example. I am constantly alert to the possibility that the way we do church and are church may be excluding people whom he would want to include.

Discuss!!

Love is... not asking how much the new dress cost

Love is... combing over his bald patch

Love is... allowing her to take over the bathroom

Love is... allowing her to warm her cold feet on yours

Our God is a great big God...

2011-02-10T14:26:00.000Z

Incredibly busy day today, so not much time to blog.

A quick thought and a quick joke...

How big is your vision of God: can it get any bigger?

thinking of expansion... (sorry!)

If not, it's too small.

If it can, ask him to expand it. Don't settle for less!

This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mummy, the preacher's sermon this morning confused me."

The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?"

The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"

"Yes, that's true," the mother replied.

"He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?"

Again the mother replied, "Yes."

"Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

Ponder that!

the times, they are a changin'

2011-02-09T08:34:00.000Z

I have a visit to the Dentist this morning. This is to repair a filling that has fallen out. The filling was under guarantee. I find that incredible - that a filling is guaranteed for a year. I would like to think it should last longer than a year, but it is mainly the thought that something like having a filling now needs to come with a guarantee. In the good old days they never used to offer a guarantee. Fillings would last. End of story. The offer of a guarantee is supposed to reassure me, I know, but it seems to suggest to me that there is an expectation that it might fail.

And then there are the banks. No, I am not going to have a go at bonuses or dodgy loans. Butsome of them had January Sales. What? Does this mean that we will be able to withdraw £30 but it will only cost us £25? I don't think so. From what I can gather it just means that they will charge us a bit less on the money we borrow. That does not seem like a sale to me. It's a discounted rate at best.

Please do not misunderstand me. I don't think I am turning into a grumpy old man just yet. I am not really complaining. I am simply observing some of the changes in the culture in which I exist. And that's the point. We need to be observers and analysts of the culture in which we live in order that we can be able to 'discern the times'.

Jesus was brilliant at reading his culture (well he would be, wouldn't he). But look at the stories he told,. They were all culturally relevant. He helped people understand faith because he could relate it to the world in which they lived.

So what might it mean that dentists are offering a guarantee on their fillings and that banks are having sales? I am not sure. I think there is something there about the permanence of the change God brings about in us - he does not fill in the gaps caused by decay, he renews and restores. I think there is something about God's generosity - he offers us free forgiveness having paid the cost entirely...

The Pharisees and Sadducees came to Jesus and tested him by asking him to show them a sign from heaven. He replied, "When evening comes, you say, 'It will be fair weather, for the sky is red,' and in the morning, 'Today it will be stormy, for the sky is red and overcast.' You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times. A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a miraculous sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah." Jesus then left them and went away.

(Mat 16:1-4)

This story may have been better in my recent post about transfer windows, but it's here because it's about how well we know things...

The Search Committee had invited a young preacher to come over to their church for the interview. The committee chairman asked, "Son, do you know the Bible pretty well?"

The young minister said, "Yes, pretty well."

The chairman asked, "Which part do you know best?" He responded saying, "I know the New Testament best."

"Which part of the New Testament do you know best," asked the chairman.

The young minister said, "Several parts."

The chairman said, "Well, why don't you tell us the story of the Prodigal Son."

The young man said, "Fine. There was a man of the Pharisees name Nicodemus, who went down to Jericho by night and he fell upon stony ground and the thorns choked him half to death.

"The next morning Solomon and his wife, Gomorrah, came by, and carried him down to the ark for Moses to take care of. But, as he was going through the Eastern Gate into the Ark, he caught his hair in a limb and he hung there forty days and forty nights and he afterwards did hunger. And, the ravens came and fed him.

"The next day, the three wise men came and carried him down to the boat dock and he caught a ship to Ninevah. And when he got there he found Delilah sitting on the wall. He said, "Chunk her down, boys, chunk her down." And, they said, "How many times shall we chunk her down, till seven time seven?" And he said, "Nay, but seventy times seven." And they chucked her down four hundred and ninety times.

"And, she burst asunder in their midst. And they picked up twelve baskets of the leftovers. And, in the resurrection whose wife shall she be?"

The Committee chairman suddenly interrupted the young minister and said to the remainder of the committee, "I think we ought to ask the church to call him as our minister.

He is awfully young, but he sure does know his Bible."

lead us not into temptation

2011-02-08T12:52:00.000Z

Don't you just love computers? I imagine that by virtue of the fact that you are reading this you are at least computer competent, if not proficient. Perhaps you see your computer as a useful piece of equipment to help you in you life / work, or maybe you are a technophile and are fascinated and thrilled by what it can do and what you could do with it next.

But they are also a real pain when they go wrong. We had a recent virus / spyware scare on our home computer and the thought that someone else may be able to access our data was frightening. I realised just how reliant we have become on the machine and how vulnerable we are to those who want to do nasty things to it or use it to do nasty things to our bank accounts.

I am aware too just how vulnerable I am to nasty influences in my own life. In our morning services at the moment we are exploring the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). As wonderful and inspiring it is to know that God is changing us in that way, it is also sobering to think of the alternatives, which Paul lists in the preceding verses.

When I hear (thankfully occasional) stories of colleagues in the Ministry who have been removed because of conduct unbecoming to the office of Minister I shudder. Not just because of the impact of their conduct on the lives of their family, those with whom the unbecoming conduct took place, the church, and those whose impression of God is adversely affected by hearing the news. But because I think "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

All of us are vulnerable to temptation. Jesus was tempted so it is incredibly presumptuous and naive to imagine that we will not be. All of us have areas of our lives in which we are more vulnerable than others. We need to be vigilant and have accountable relationships with others who will help us avoid giving into temptation. But the 'grace of God' in the thought above is also crucial. It is he who has saved me. It is he who is changing me by his Spirit. It is he who will help me avoid temptation more than anyone or anything else.

When temptation comes my way I sense an inner warning. It's not an alarm bell, flashing lights or a voice, but I would describe it as a pause in my life in which God's Spirit gives me a moment to consider what is happening. At that moment I have a choice about what to do next. Ignore God or listen to him? That is part of his grace at work in my life - he helps me make conscious decisions rather than stumble ahead blindly. Paul invites his readers to 'keep in step with the Spirit' (follow closely in his footsteps) and I am aware that it is when I am in step that I find it easiest to pay attention to the pause and to respond as God would want me to and exhibit some more evidence that he is bearing fruit within me.

What temptations? Well, I think that they begin with attitudes rather than behaviour and while none of it would class as 'conduct unbecoming' of a Minister it is unbecoming of a follower of Jesus. And it is usually the temptation to act in a way that denies that God's Spirit is bearing fruit in my life. The temptations are to be... unloving, joyless, angry, impatient, unkind, 'ungood', faithless, abrasive and lose control of myself.

Please God help me choose your way every time.

A small town prosecuting lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence lawyer?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge called the courtroom to order and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

Have you heard the one about the Baptist Minister who kept telling jokes?

2011-02-07T13:43:00.000Z

Jokes are an interesting phenomenon. Why do people tell each other jokes? What makes us make up stories and ask questions that are entirely fictional, or are absurd, with the risk that the people who are listening may not find them funny or may even be offended?

There seems to be a drive within us to want to make other people laugh and to entertain them. I suspect that evolutionary biologists will have a good reason why we would do this - perhaps because popularity would make others more willing to protect us if we are threatened.

But I have a theory that we do it because we like laughing. We like to see other people laughing. Indeed the laughter of others seems to trigger a sympathetic laughter reflex within us. There is no doubt that laughter is good for us - except perhaps when it so takes over our bodies that we are unable to stand or breathe. Then it becomes dangerous.

I don't think that there will be many times in my life (if any) when my joke-telling reduces people to quivering wrecks on the floor, gasping for breath. I like to tell them at the start of (and during) my sermons as they introduce a theme with a laugh that draws people in, but the best I have had is a guffaw (which is probably a good thing). I love the moments when I tell a joke and it takes a while for the punchline to sink in and to produce a laugh. It is quite fun to see the penny drop!

One thing that people don't realise is that Jesus told a lot of jokes. In his case I think they were partly to entertain and invite people to explore his themes more fully, but he managed too to tell jokes that had a punchline which would make a spiritual impact as well as a laugh. Some examples would be: camels going through the eyes of needles; slapstick exploding wineskins; describing hypocrisy as being like a whitewashed tomb, and making a Samaritan the hero of a story told to Jews. We miss the humour because the sense of humour of Jesus' contemporary culture is very different to ours. It doesn't seem very funny either when you have to explain that something is funny.

Why have I blogged about this? Partly to explain the rationale behind why I tell jokes in my sermons and on the blog. Partly to remind us that laughing is good and worth doing. Partly to help remind us of Jesus' humanity: he has a sense of humour. And partly as an intro for this joke:

A man went to his doctor and said, "What's wrong with me Doctor? I have a rash on my legs, am feeling lethargic and my teeth are falling out!"

The doctor thought for a moment. "You're not eating properly," he said. "You have got scurvy. You should eat more fruit."

The man went away and came back a week later. He had a banana up his nose, an apple core sticking out of one ear and had half a melon on his head.

"What's wrong with me now, Doctor?"

The doctor thought for a moment. "You're still not eating properly."

I told this joke in yesterday's sermon (on the Fruit of the Spirit) and it was one of those gratifying occasions when the penny dropped in different places around the church.

Be blessed. Laugh lots!

the art of time mismanagement (or being a Pastor!)

2011-02-04T11:07:00.000Z

Procrastination: the art of delaying difficult or disagreeable tasks until they become more difficult or disagreeable because the available time has reduced. (See also entries under 'Leaving it too late' and 'Apologising profusely')*

It's very tempting at this point to quip that I will come back to the blog later and leave it at that. It may have a limited about of comedic effect. I suspect though that the comedic effect will be small and the point I want to make will be missed.

This week I had set aside Wednesday to write my sermon for Sunday morning. Lots of different things gathered in my mind, my email inbox, my phone voicemail, my text messages and my desk that meant that I did not finish the sermon.

Never mind, I thought, I have some time tomorrow. Thursday morning came and I had a team meeting with my colleague Lynsey. We talked about a wide range of important issues and the meeting went on longer than I had expected.

Never mind, I thought, I have some time after lunch and after a meeting later that afternoon. Before I knew it, however, the time for the meeting came and I had not got back into the sermon.

Never mind, I thought, the meeting will only take an hour. There's still some time later. The meeting went on much longer than anticipated and when I got home I had to cook tea.

Never mind, I thought (after tea), there's some time before the prayer meeting this evening. Then the phone rang and an emergency took me out of the house and I got back in time to gather my thoughts and bits and pieces and head off to the prayer meeting.

Never mind, I thought, there's tomorrow (ie today). This morning there have been different thoughts, phone calls, emails, and preparation for an interment at the Cemetery this afternoon.

Never mind, I thought, I will do it now (10.45) after making a cup of coffee. Now I have been blogging instead.

Never mind, after I have posted this I will go back to the sermon, after hermetically sealing myself off from all other distractions...

Sunday morning service comes. Sermon unfinished. Improvise badly. Realise I am naked in front of the congregation, not having had time to get dressed... **wakes up in cold sweat in study after dozing off and decides to get back to writing sermon as priority**

Procrashtination: the experience of having important things postponed because lots of other equally important things have crashed into your life in their place. Effects can include a desire to create an eighth day in the week and the temptation to take time from days off (see also 'Baptist Ministry' and 'That's life, deal with it!')*

*entries taken from the limited Lear Dictionary of English

beep, beep, beep, beep

2011-02-03T17:40:00.000Z

As a 'stocking filler' at Christmas we gave our son a little gadget to put on his key ring. It's one of those fobs that beeps when you whistle to tell you where your lost keys are. A useful present, we thought, especially as "where are my keys" had been a regular question.

So, 'whistle'... beep, beep, beep, beep

'Clap hands'... beep, beep, beep, beep

'cough'... beep, beep, beep, beep

*keys jangle*... beep, beep, beep, beep

*speaks normally*... beep, beep, beep, beep

*switches on light switch*... beep, beep, beep, beep

You get the idea. What was a good idea had become an irritant and annoyance. This was because the key fob had become over-zealous. It had decided that its job was not to help us locate lost keys but to tell us where the keys were at all times of the day and night. We did not ask it to change its job description or become over-zealous, that was a unilateral decision by the key fob.

One of my favourite Bible verses is in Isaiah 30...

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."
(Isa 30:18-21)

This is the context - Isaiah was proclaiming that God's judgement on his rebellious people was going to come in the form of defeat and invasion. And in the midst of the doom and gloom there is a 'yet'. God is gracious. His justice is tempered with mercy. And God will be so close to his people when they cry for help that they will hear his guiding voice: "This is the way; walk in it".

I love the sense of intimacy, involvement and inspiration in that last part of the passage. Whatever you do, wherever you go, if you cry out to God he is there already, within earshot. He is not an over-zealous key fob that is going beyond its remit, beeping madly at us whatever we do. He is God who is ever-present and zealous for us. He longs for us to follow his guidance, to walk in his ways and to listen to him.